My system is once again corrupted, I did it myself, confusing, like stabbing myself in the foot!

this piece is from my original Journal Space blog back in the day.

"Well, how do you suppose this self preoccupied state of being came about? And how do we tactfully bring it to others attention? My answer is that we can lead by our actions. The United Way and another group have been broadcasting public service announcements recently on adults teaching children things like counting, how things work while driving in their cars for instance and then someone will cut them off and out comes some yelling. The message is that children are always learning and adults are always tea ˇching whether we are aware of it or not. People have learned behaviors and it is our responsibility to continue to learn or fall into regression."

It reminded me of something I see regularly that disturbs me. I drive by a preschool quite regularly. It is on a busy street near where I live and in the middle of the block between to traffic light controlled intersections with crosswalks. When adults are dropping off children I observe them regularly crossing directly opposite the preschool, from between cars, holding the hand of the child, sometimes darting across oncoming traffic.

What are they thinking? It takes to much time to walk down the street 100 feet to the controlled intersection, press the button, wait the 60 seconds at the most for the signal to change, cross the street, walk an additional 100 feet to the preschool and all the while this would implant a strong message to the child, a learned behavior to cross safely. Of course, that is not all of it, the adult would then have to walk back to the signal, wait another 60 seconds, cross the street and walk another hundred feet to their car. I suppose that less than 5 minutes they save is a considerable time saver for them.

On the other hand, let's cross without the advantage of the crosswalk. Most of the people driving down the street are in a hurry, because they are going to work or they have many important things to do that day and they could be trying to save time by talking on their cell phone or making an arrangement for something else, some impo rtant activity that needs to be planned with the time they are saving, the wasted time of driving.

Teleportation would be to good for us, think of all the time we could save between destinations or the time lost for planning important activities.

So, what happens with all these people saving time?

What happens is that the law of averages will catch up to someone sooner or later and a tragic, avoidable accident will happen. Someone will accidentally hit one of these, time saving adults, who is  quite possibly holding the hand of a loved child and no one will save time. Everyone will lose some time and something else.

 Someone will call paramedics, the fire dept., the police. All activity in the vicinity will come to a standstill, and even then it will seem like time is lost -or some how bent badly out of shape, except for those directly involved. Adults will be asking how could this have happened, several people will lay blame on the driver who after all was saving time while driving. Maybe someone will get it and discover that all of us need to stop blaming and take responsibility?

It is my intention to bring this issue to the attention of the preschool so that they can bring it to the attention of the adults that the little time they are saving could be costing someone's life in the future.

Don’t picture me a saint. It took me quite a long process to figure out what I could do to influence these other people without alienating them. At first when I observed it happening, I thought what is wrong with these people? They are putting their children at risk, for what, 2 m òinutes, 5 minutes? What Idiots! That was my thinking. How many times did I have to think What Idiots before changing my own behavior? I don’t know, but I stop at a store 1  block from this preschool often and make a point now of going to the signal and crossing. I’ve gone as far as timing the distance to the signal, to the store and back to my vehicle and therefore know the length of time is insignificant. There is no excuse for not changing our behavior when our behavior puts others  or ourselves in jeopardy.

If I blurted out to them while holding the hand of an impressionable child “What is wrong with you, putting your child at risk crossing the street unprotected?” That would be exactly what they are saying in the United Way Public Service Announcement. That our children are learning from us all the time and not only would they learn to cross the street unprotected, but they would learn from me to to a Élienate others by being loud and abrasive.

That is behavior that I  used for many years to do exactly that, keep people away from me. I have been consciously making small changes in my thought processes for 20 years now.

You may think, only 20 years? Where have you been? I’ve been to hell, lived there for while and I don’t want to go back. This is why it has taken me so long to get where I am mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

My downward spiral took years and once I was started I had tunnel vision, no one could grasp how bent on self destruction I was, not even myself, I was the worst. The lies I told, well I was the biggest believer. Most people could see through my lies rather quickly, but nothing could be proved since I refused to admit anything. The lies I told myself started out innocently  enough and they compounded so often and so long that I created my own reality which had little to do with my surroundings.

I’m  not going any deeper with this now. I’ve been and I’m where am now. I am not saying I’m back, because I’m not sure I was ever here in the first place.

So, I cross at crosswalks when available.  I stop for pedestrians at crosswalks, and slow down for ones who are crossing streets regardless so that I have better chance of stopping if for some reason they don’t see me coming, maybe they are looking at the speeding car and not seeing me. I actually had windows open the other day driving slowly up the main thorough fare of the neighboring city and some people were about 40 feet from the crosswalk, traffic was dense and slow and as I passed them I called out, not exactly a shout, quieter than that, “why don’t you use the crosswalk?” and as I looked in my mirror, they stepped back onto the sidewalk and headed that 20 feet to cross. I know that is not the way to effect change, but and it did work momentarily.

Another subject/topic:

This is about myself, my challenge with the way I think that has been labeled as ADD/ADHD.  I have known there is a name for the way I  think for about 5 years. I discovered it in October 2000 while visiting my sister in Florida. I wonder how much longer it would have taken had I not gone there and picked up that book that I saw on her coffee table? How much longer would I have cart wheeled through life, continually in a state of spin, confusion and chaos and not even aware that there were others like me, because I was unaware. Discovery, awareness, acceptance,  don’t know the exact order that these things have been taking a hold of me, that I have learned and held onto the words and the meanings, but this is where I am with it now. I consider myself in a constant flux, with one foot in my old world and the other in my new world of self discovery. I have worked through much, worked through old wounds created by my old behavior of keeping other away from me. I figured out long ago that I wasn’t tough, so my defense became insanity. Convince those around me that I was crazy and that worked. Those who thought they could take advantage of me soon realized that I was crazy and should be left alone. If they attempted to interact, they soon found out that I was dangerous and maybe they were mistaken. Of course, to not lose face, they had to reinforce my behavior and shout loudly that I was crazy, or something similar.

The thing that happens because of my thinking patterns is not only is it a deficit, but there are several elements that are not mentioned in my challenged thinking patterns. Not only am I challenged by my lack of focus, but I am challenged by my intense focusing and my inability to organize my thoughts and prioritize. I am slowing learning to identify my behaviors and am slowly retraining my brain.

I can see now, right here that it is time to stop. My focus is turning to someplace else, inward and I don’t want to continue to whip that dead horse. :-)

Chapter 396 the ever continuing quest for understanding myself...

How long have I traveled down this path, way past understanding what the age of consent is? I never consented to much of anything when I was growing up. Rehashing the same old misunderstandings is what much of my life has been about, discovering just who I am and what I am about. Still searching for what it is that I think my purpose on the planet is. I've found a new goal, a new challenge and I am working towards it. Maybe my place on the planet is what I am now working towards, maybe it has been what I am supposed to be about all along and it has taken me this long to get to this point. That is true, it has taken me this long to get to this point in time.

I thought I knew some things back in time, but even though I did, I have forgotten them now. That is just another way of saying what Bob Dylan said long ago: "Ah but I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now." Of course, I didn't really know what that meant and I am shocked that he could write that at his young age and know what it meant.

I've never known much of anything if anyone asked me. I often said I don't know, not knowing the right answer or not understanding what the question meant, I had learned early in my age to not ask questions as a self defense mechanism because when I asked people would misunderstand and I would be ridiculed, laughed at or just plain dismissed! I have never or rarely been able to organize my thoughts, which is why I started writing my thoughts as a teen. I couldn't remember from one moment tot he next what I had been thinking about and never could form a question as to why that was, because the questions would disappear from my focus faster than the blink of an eye as they say.

Not all of this is stream of conscious writing because I have been reading what I wrote and that takes some thought. But, some of what I read had to be added to and expanded and some of that was stream of conscious. Some of it wasn't. I may at some point become the writer I imagine myself to be or then again, what did I just say?


I have done a lot of things in my life, some good some not so good, but I have done one thing all along, I have survived. My conscious contribution to that survival has been somewhat mixed. There were about 2 decades I was on a self destructive bent knowing no way to stop the frustration and anger that had built up in me from my childhood! What an upper middle class kid who could have so much had anger and frustration? Must just be a spoiled brat who didn't know the meaning of privilege. Of course I didn't and more than that, had no idea of who I was or how I got there or really what life was about. My sense of self was missing. I can't even describe what it was like at this time, but I intend to and have somewhere in the past.

People are often frustrated with me, because they can't really put themselves in my shoes. My own younger sister although from the same parents has a much better handle on life than I do. She is leaps and bounds ahead of me in so many areas. Yet she is also a survivor.


The survivor instinct, the traits that cause one to push ahead are strong in me still. The hunter/gatherer parts are strong too. I have been only knowing about these parts of my make up now for about 3 years and accept them. I accept that I can not recall what happened yesterday in detail or what happened from moment to moment. I am in the moment and perhaps that is why I chose this as the Title of my blog. I recognize my in the moment attitude. It is what makes me an excellant heavy vehicle driver full of kids or young adults or even adults, because when I am driving that vehicle that is where I am. I am right there in the moment using the tools and resources I have, my inherited traits to do the job well.

Moments are why I have never followed through with jobs, careers, hobbies etc. I am typical as far as attention deficit explanations go for keeping jobs. Chances are I won't be able to finish my thoughts here either. This is just a moment and it will be lost to me. I am already losing track of my initial thoughts for writing today. And with that, I will leave it here.

Chapter 397 today 9-3-2012 What is Real?

I have gone to the face book page to download my data. They say it takes time, didn't say how much time. I have photo's that I have no copies of because I took some of them with a camera that I no longer have and they went into files that I foolishly didn't back up in a computer that broke. What is real?

I then thought, Oh Flicker, that will be a file I could use and then got to thinking, thinking.

Our whole world, except for our physical world is digital. Digital is a reality that is generated by electronics and pixels and electrons, by energy we all used that has been changed from fossil fuels, water, solar and wind power in some cases. From the physics I learned in aviation maintenance I learned energy is neither created or destroyed, it only changes from one form to another. The rolling motion of a car comes from energy that is produced by the burning of fossil fuels by combustion. That combustion creates heat which produces work that pushes on pistons that turn shafts and gears and wheels. When we put on the brakes the wheels slow and that energy is converted back to heat and moves into the surrounding air and through the tires into the ground and pavement.

What the heck?! Why am I moving from one subject to another? I am working into my point of writing this entry, that is the answer.

My point is that the only real in our lives is our immediate physical presence. Those that know are saying that it is all disappearing, going into the network. There is no real except the ground we stand on when we are standing on it, but when we are not standing on it, does it exist? What is real and what is not? What does it matter if it is real or not? We only have temporary existences and we can't take it with us, come into the world with nothing and leave that way too. What is Real?

We have the Federal Reserve Bank which is not a part of the Federal Government. The FDB prints our money, controls the interest rates, and backs up the other banks. What is Real? Many of us are paid with electronic money and only get money when we go to a non human that spits money out a slot when we put in electronic data telling the computer it will link to our account in another computer network. What is real?

I think about my reality at times. A lot is happening at this point in time. I am moving, going through my material things and deciding what to keep and what to toss. I have been carting around a dresser for 40 or so years that I got from my dad's house down in CA. He got it when he bought the house. I am going to give it to Goodwill because they are just down the street. Where I am moving to has a dresser already in place, one that seems to be much nicer furniture and when move to the next after this living situation, I won't be having a dresser at all. What is real? I am looking around my living space a hole in the ground and reflecting, thinking about how it won't be real for me after the 30th of this month. I won't have to walk down the 9 short steep stairs or up them several times a day risking slipping or toe over or tripping on them ever again when I ascend and descend them. They will be in the past and to me their energy will have changed to a two dimensional thought that is waning from my own reality.

My reality is changing. Work is looming day after tomorrow, starting back up in the middle of the week is good for me having been off steady work for 2.5 months. Wow the past, how is that real? The past is energy that has changed form.

So, back to the present. My shelving that I purchased when I first moved to Portland that I used in a storage because I had to much stuff is going. I don't need it and it has served me well. I intend to mention to friends that might need it that it is becoming available. I am not ready to give up my bent wood chair that I scavenged from Oakland CA. What can I keep, what must go? What is real?

This medium here won't exist to me when I close it. It will go to the network data base and may or may not come back when I log back on. Who has a record of what is and what isn't real?

398, of course my way of keeping track is confusing!

What is the date? 8/30/2012

Order, there is only chaos and confusion, no order! Bits and pieces, house guests. I don't think they know I don't have my own bathroom. If I had a house with a situation such as this, I would have at least installed a toilet in the basement. Here I am not covered as a tenant, I have no rights except, shut up and pay the rent, pay your  share of the utilities and 1/2 of the utilities of my house guests! I haven't figured out how to subtract what they use. Would it be safe to subtract 1or 2 days from the utilities to make up for his guests? I've considered that. I have to go and research these issues. I just feel used, violated and without rights.



I feel trapped in my basement room. I feel violated, like when my van was stolen. My privacy has been compromised by my landlord. This is why tenants rights groups formed, because landlords feel all the rights belong to them, they own it, they built it! I'm not sure if it is safe to even write about my feelings. My landlord told me last night that he is having yet another house guest. He doesn't tell me for how long, just that a friend of his is coming to spend the night. I feel trapped. His house guests have privileges that   leave me in a bad space. I don't know, but suspect he tells them to help themselves to whatever. I am uncomfortable and suspect I will have to look for a form of a rental agreement that gives me some specific rights.

Well, his guest comes and there are 3 of them, an adult and two older children. I am feeling frustrated because my whole routine is disrupted by his guests. 1 bathroom house, which really doesn't support 4 people well.

And then there is the use of the utilities, the sharing of food which I don't normally do. What does he tell them, help yourself to anything you want? And this after that BBQ he had just this last weekend. This guy reminds me of a Politician which is scary to me. Of course I have to put up or shut up.

Someone has been taking a shower now for 10 minutes which I find to be rather long and disturbing because I have things to do including taking a shower, use the toilet and this is just one person so far. It is almost 9:00 am and now I am on their schedule. My bad! I should have done what I had to do before they got up and left the house, because it is so uncomfortable to me! My privacy is invaded by people I don't know, who don't know me. Just as I am getting ready to go upstair and check it out, the one person gets out of the shower, another person goes in. I am stuck, being held hostage in the place I pay rent to. The second person has been in the shower for 15 minutes. 15 minutes in my time line is how much time it takes me to shower, dress, eat and leave. Now I am trapped.

I'm sure it would not be real to ask my land lord to tell his guests that I have rights, it would be unheard of for him to put them second or even me on an equal plain with them. These are his old friends that he is doing a favor for and they are like family to him. Family runs deep with all of us, but with him it is like, don't mess with my family, food or property. A Republican in Democrats clothing!

I just had to vent this, feeling really put out. My sister suggested back several months ago I draw up a rental agreement with my landlord. I suggested it to him and he just doesn't think that it is important. From my stand point, this is his house and he does what he wants, but really doesn't know how to or what is fair to his tenant or doesn't care!

404 as I walk back wards I face forwards

Webster's Dictionary defines what insurance is intended to be, but leaves the door open for the insurance company to modify what it is exactly that they do. Now a days they certainly fill every loop hole so that the insurance you purchase from them is little more than a payment for them to find additional ways for them not to pay you if you file a claim. Insurance to me is like paying rent. You pay them money and when you need something extra, they claim that is not in the contract or they don't have the money. It is all a racket, I know this because my father worked for an insurance company. He was a statistician/secretary-treasurer of a small company that insured doctors and would tell the family often how disgusted he was at the rip off of clients by the company he worked for. That is a pretty narrow view, but I trusted my dad on some things and this was one of them. It has stuck with me from that time on.

5-20-2004

I'm working at FedEx at Oakland Airport Hub. I get up at about 1:30am and get ready for work. I am listening to KPFA and they are playing the blues, Jimi Hendrix or Buddy Guy- Red House.

I took on two more jobs at Dream Builders yesterday, the forklift and pruning the bushes at another property in West Oakland. I pruned these bushes before, but not to the foreman#1's liking. Apparently I cut them back to sharply. I talked to  foreman #2 about it and then to foreman #1 who said he didn't have time to do the job. Foreman #1 has a lot of experience with plants. So we talked about what I should do and I think I now know more of what he wants and then foreman #1 says, if there is any more problems, they will grow back. It is like hair, the growth will help cover up the mistakes. We all have different levels of acceptance.

Foreman #1 and I like each other and have a better understanding of where each of us is coming from. He was in the hospital some years before and that is when we actually talked about our perceptions. He admitted to me he thought that I was judging him. I thought that was way off base and told him. It was about sobriety. After that we also had another talk and got to know each other better. Part of my problem is low self esteem and stunted social growth do to my alcoholism. He had problems with alcohol to and I had a program and he didn't. He thought I was watching him waiting for a bad move. In that talk we had I told him, I was having enough problems with myself to worry about what he was doing! After that the fear we each had of each other we got along pretty darn well.

This Sat. Malcolm X Festival at San Antonio Part. It was a mixed announcement and I didin't hear it  all.  I should check further into it. Still listening to KPFA and I really like this station. Most of the people working there are volunteers. Volunteerism is really what saves this country, a bunch of people pitching in to fulfill a common need.


Life, what an experience. Sometimes I feel so alone, but I am not, there are millions of human beings all around. We are connected by our experiences. Life is an incredible experience and I am lucky and blessed to be alive! So many things becoming clear to me. One of those is my mortality and as human beings we get hung up in our day to day lives and forget how precious our whole experience is!

{That's it all I have time for this evening. Another installment will happen soon}

403 as the future looms, the past beckons!

Continuing onward from 2003-2004 my 54th year. Numerically it is all linked, addition or subtraction. How hard is that to put our minds around. 

The stiffness in my hands and fingers, the stiffness with the lack of getting out and lightening up, my diet. 

Diet is a big buzzword in our society and seem s to have taken on a new leap into acceptance this year. Many of us baby boomers have turned 50 by now, some closer to 60 than others. 

What really got my attention yesterday was the moment and I went to get the new stereo that I had decided to purchase, I could see it well. I doesn't matter what you have, because weh it is your time to die, you are not taking spit with you.  We will leave our bodies and we don't know what comes next if anything. I tend to have different experiences with what I think comes next, first one idea then when that seems far fetched another and nothing comes next. 

Yes, age  is catching up to me.

I have been going to KPF in the mornings answering the phones during their fund drives. I remember when my father pledged to KQED back in the 1950's. He pledged $5 and got a mink skinned hat and gave it to me. Of course, all my friends at the time had coon skin hats and when I got mink it was difficult to fit in. My mink skin hat was my favorite pet, even though it was dead and had no soul or life. I have a rabbit skin I purchased and use it to help me sleep in the day time because of my late night job at FedEx. I put that rabbit pelt on my face and it is warm and comforting. I think of the rabbit that once occupied this skin and fur and with that is a certain sadness that animals have to die for some humans. We shouldn't be killing animals or treating them badly! Of course, that is somewhat off the path of the subject of KPFA and donating time and energy to the radio station because they are an active part of the community keeping the airwaves open and not taking corporate sponsorship which can deaden the truth. That small experience with KQED was never understood by me. I didn't really understand much about society since I was continually battling against my own feelings leaving me in a chaotic state most of the time. 

I am getting ready for my work week. Had the last two Fridays off. Wow, that was something! The extra time off gave me the rest I needed and still feel I need. 

I've got an application for New United Motors down in Fremont. I've had some trouble with some of waht they want me to sign off on. They ask for my age and something else that will come to me later. It irritates me taht I have to check up on a company that I am considering working for. Are they violating my basic rights? Carla, my downstairs neighbor says that the reason she doesn't get he teaching jobs she applies for is ageism. I believe it is definitately true for some jobs and not others. I say that the schools that pass her over are missing out on an artist who has been working at her art her whole life and is going to miss that part of her experiences to pass along to other aspiring artists. I can now see how much of a problem it is ageism and how much it affects our culture, how we turn away from those that came before us looking for newer and less experienced so what, we can mold them into what society thinks their roles should be? It sucks. 

The other part of the application that I couldn't remember is they ask an applicant to allow by signing  to give full disclosure from the previous employers how many absent days they have had. Of course, it doesn't distinguish between legitimate days off and phony days off. These are the kinds of abuses that corporations like to be allowed to do. They don't want some government agency telling them what kind of information they can ask of their prospects. Some of it violates our rights and shouldn't be allowed. 

Off onto my life's challenge of ADHD. It is like cases of other known issues different for each individual. Look at me for instance, I didn't get myself tested until I was 50 years old. I noticed issues with work at UAL that I was having trouble understanding some basic mechanical explanations for the way parts went together. I needed answers and at the time it was job related and I wanted to do my job the best I could. I had never been able to put a name on what it is that makes me the way I am. I had never been able to and of course, it has been difficult to let others in on my secret and get them to even consider that there is a reason for my behavior. They just seemed to continue to treat me as a weird individual or continue to thnk of me as should behave like others or themselves. They are unable to put on my shoes and see life from my perspective, yet they want me to do that for them. Double standard is the way it has always been concerning my issues and conformity. Imagine what my world is like, continuing chaos and confusion. That what it is like, not being able to organize my thoughts into a meaningful plan that I can follow. It is part of why I had so much trouble in school. And if it seems like i keep repeating myself, it is because I do repeat myself. I often have little knowledge of what I say, my ability to put any order of what I said in my own head gets lost inside and I can't retrieve it most of the time, hence Chaos and Confusion. No, I am not deaf, blind our unable to speak, but my communication skills have been limited. I am not physically challenged and have been able to pass minimal testing sometimes even better than non standardized situations. Structures work well for me to a point. The free thinking or non structured environment is my downfall. 

Chapter 399

I have just come to the idea of how I am separating my current writings from my past writings that I am editing and copying to blogger. I started at chapter 400 and have been adding up for writings I am adding from the past and now am writing something from the present and just came to think I would subtract from Chapter 400 one at a time for current entries. If this makes no sense to you that is ok.  you might think "Why in the Hell would anyone do such a silly thing?" Well, it is how I go. It is about discovery. Are we explorers and leaders or are we all going to go along with an established routine that is predictable and boring? Of course as time passes, I may discover another way to do this and make the changes. After all, I am at the sink where this drip continues through the moments.I may find a washer and replace it or just let the water drip, drip, drip into a receptacle that drains into the garden, cistern is what they are called.

Part of my challenges with organization comes from the way I think. I have been working on understanding and incorporating my process of thinking and actions with introspection and have come to the conclusion that I don't need to do it as others do, but need to do all things the way they work for me. This is not to say, I will not adhere to structures already set up such as laws of the land or laws of the road or working situations and standards. How I do things has matured with my age.

When I do actions that involve others I can adhere and must adhere to the rules and laws that control my actions and those of others. When I drive my bus, I follow a route with times and turns and pick ups and drop off's and must, to complete the job in an orderly way, consistently and I do it well. I am just saying, if I am writing or thinking about something that affects only me or you may interact with me through reading what I write,  then it is because of the way I think that I am writing in a rather confusing way.  You the reader are either going to find a way to read it and it is my hope I can convey what I mean in such a way that will keep you interested or you are going to say, Forget this person, I can't follow that line or his line of that confusion.

But it is this confusion that I have been living with all my life and the attempts to organize my thoughts have fallen each and every time, so I have worked hard at allowing myself my own thought patterns and conforming to established patterns when dealing with others.

I have read some about writing and something that I am unable to do it put the whole writing effort together in my head and then put it into the medium. I write stream of consciousness for the most part, but have discovered that when I am copying my past writings, editing to make more sense.

When I was trying to quit smoking so long ago I kept changing brands, smoking, not smoking changing brands etc. Now, I am trying to continue to drink coffee, which btw I quit all caffeine in 1992-1998 six years. I like coffee, but am having issues with it being satisfying. I have tried coffees away from home that are satisfying me. So what is up with me and coffee? I like it, but my body is changing and I am not getting the same satisfaction. I am not getting a caffeine kick, and the coffee I keep changing and trying is not giving me the same satisfaction. I think I am going to have to quit drinking coffee and I am fighting against what my body is telling me. It this is the case, then I am going to have to find a different place to put my energy or focus more on where I get my energy from which is not from drinks. When I quit drinking caffeine back in 1992 it was a willing decision to see how I felt decaffeinated. I liked how I felt. I never went back to drinking anything but coffee. No sodas! So, here I am today, the 28th of Aug. reflecting on this past summer and what my plans were and how they have either come about or have not yet been realized. One thing for sure though, the cycle of work and school is just about started and I will be on someone else's time schedule. I have adapted to it before and will do so again, though this time I am feeling a little different about it.