(I met this woman through on line dating service. We dated, that is to say, we had phone conversations, met for dinners and had conversations. That is as far as it went. We would meet in Petaluma which was about 1/2 the way between where we both lived. I think we stopped because of the distance.)
Woman of the universe, strong, vibrant, full of energy and love. You are a scintillating star. I've been attracted by your energy. I can feel the heat that emanates from the burning fires in your heart, the center of your essence. I have been traveling for eons through the vastness of space, cool crystals of frozen water, a shooting star, explosive with a twinkling brilliance. I gather my energy from the surrounding space. In this time and existence, I hope we can both grow in strength and spirit and benefit from the knowing existence of each other.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
11-09-2012 (My Sister's 54th Birthday)
This is not about my sister MCC though, just random ideas, thoughts and it happens to be today, her birthday.
Probably a few months ago I said I was going to stop washing my hair with shampoo or perhaps not washing it altogether. Well, I have been washing it with water only and then once in a while, when it feels right, use conditioner on it. It is working out well. I mean, why use shampoo that strips ones hair of all it's natural qualities generated by our bodies that are better balanced to handle our hair issues?
I was thinking about what our relatives of not so long ago and how they washed their hair without all the modern marvels that are now available to us through consumerism and advertising by those who are pulling on our strings? How indeed? Some of the daily chores of being a human are likely lost to those of us who are walking similar paths. There are plenty of lessons I did not hear or ask questions about when growing up. Plenty of practical questions that went unasked and unanswered!
That was short, I have just revisited and reread it. Can't add much more should send it on it's way into cyber-publication. Today is 11/11/12
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Changed this post to more ramblings.....and the continuing Chaos.
I used to just write whatever I was thinking, still do sometimes. Then some said why do you write that way and I had to look it up. I have to look up almost everything many times. It took me 30 years to figure out the keys to learning the difference between using the waxing and the waning moon. Waxing means it is getting bigger, like applying wax to your table, you increase the shine and protection, putting it on. Waning is the opposite and therefore it is getting smaller, dimmer, less shiny. It took me 30 years to figure that out. It took me into my 60's to know the kind of writing I do. I didn't learn the types of writing in the writing classes I took back in the 1990's. Of course, I just wrote, read a couple fo books and wrote. The 40 year old in classes with very young people. I am attempting to use html language again to post this link to wikipedia. Let's see if it works.
Stream_of_consciousness_(narrative_mode)< /a>
Well, it didn't work and I could get all hung up on trying to make it right, but my link will get you to wikipedia and then you can enter stream of consciousness into the search field. With this partial entry, it is almost a reflection of how I think, which is what I have been struggling with all my life. I struggle with my thinking because it is partially complete and I am left with a lot of dead ends, like incomplete sentences. When I don't think about what I am writing, which was my initial writing technique I have a lot of incomplete or run on sentences. It is tapping into my process. It is why I took touch typing so many years ago, because I couldn't write fast enough to get all my thoughts out. Driven by frustration and desperation, I took typing so that I could write more effectively for myself. Sometimes it seems to me or has seemed to me in the past that if I can just purge myself of all these transient thoughts I could think more clearly. That is not what turned out to be the case. Now, I feel less motivated to write, but have to do what most writers do, take breaks. I read once and it kind pissed me off that good writers will compose the whole book in their head, organize it and then write it. Pissed me off, because I very little ability to gather my thoughts and put them in order. Sometimes I tell people the inside of my van which if more often than not unorganized, a pigs stye sans the mud is a direct reflection of the inside of my brain.
Also, jumping from one topic to another, a symptom of my disjointed thinking. The chaos and confusion is a reoccurring theme in my writing because it has played a main part in my inabilities to communicate effectively throughout my life.
Here's how it is with me. I'm 62 years old and when I was growing up my thinking was damaged. I dont' know when it was damaged, perhaps in the forming of my brain, something went arye When adults tried to fit me into their way of thinking and I couldn't do it, I would say I can't do it. Then they would say sure you can, just apply yourself, I would try again and fail and say I can't do it. Can't do it was my growing up mantra. By refusing to further attempt to perform whatever task they requested of me, I was put in the trouble maker box. He can't do it because he choses not to attempt it. The thing is, I couldn't do it because I couldn't visualize or imagine it! Their inability to see my frustration and road blocks was either a system wide failure such as funding or training or whatever agenda the school system operated under at the time.
My ability to conceptualize is almost non existant. Today, I am attempting to reconstruct my bed frame, one that I designed and built in place at the North Portland residence initially, deconstructed it and transported it to SE and have attempted to reassemble it. I marked all the pieces and of course, marked them over markings from initial assembly. Good God, no wonder I struggled so with it, but that is not all, I just struggled with it. I did take it with a sense of oh well, before I got to upset with my own inabilities. I took it into my room to finish it and found part of my problem was left outside because of uneven ground. I was using shims, but a more level surface helped me finish my task.
My struggles, because I process how I think it should go, but when I execute, something goes wrong and I don't pay as close attention as I should and it doesn't go together right! I remember similar times when working on various car projects, taking something apart and not getting the whole picture and putting it back together wrong and then having to do it again and again, until at some point the switch goes off in my head and Oh, now I see! All this takes a heavy toll on my confidence! I don't have the confidence that others have and am hesitant to jump into a large project on my own. This is important to me because I am considering and planning a large project. Probably the largest project of my life other than going back to school and earning my aviation maintenance licenses! That was a project I could attempt because it was already set up, structured in a community college setting. That was a huge undertaking for me, going back to school and it started shortly after I got cleaned up. I have issues around school from the past, but those melted away, but not at first. With my aviation licenses I really wanted them. I wasn't apparently going to let anything stand in my way. When I was in my second year, my truck was stolen and I got on the bicycle and started riding to school being about 3 miles away and work about 4 miles. I was going to school and working like so many of my peers and at 48 years old. See how I got distracted by that and wandered off. That happens all the time.
It is similar today and although I have been able to identify my behavior challenges, I still practice the wrong ones. When I worked on the line on airplanes others could see some of my challenges and gave me jobs that didn't require to much visualization.
But what I am talking about here. What indeed, ramblings. I got back here after reading about Neil Young's latest Album a 2 CD set in the Rolling Stone #1169. The title is Fuzz and Fury on Planet Neil. In the article Neil says he writes songs "to make sense of my inner rage." This simple statement struck a chord with me. My inner anger is deep seated and as I stated before somewhere, may have actually published it here. I have always had an affinity for Neil and will probably purchase something of this latest two albums since they were done with his often used band Crazy Horse. I am wrapping this up because I can always add, but I must move it along. I have several drafts that I keep getting distracted away from and the words keep coming. I need to do tasks in the real world with one of my pals.
Stream_of_consciousness_(narrative_mode)< /a>
Well, it didn't work and I could get all hung up on trying to make it right, but my link will get you to wikipedia and then you can enter stream of consciousness into the search field. With this partial entry, it is almost a reflection of how I think, which is what I have been struggling with all my life. I struggle with my thinking because it is partially complete and I am left with a lot of dead ends, like incomplete sentences. When I don't think about what I am writing, which was my initial writing technique I have a lot of incomplete or run on sentences. It is tapping into my process. It is why I took touch typing so many years ago, because I couldn't write fast enough to get all my thoughts out. Driven by frustration and desperation, I took typing so that I could write more effectively for myself. Sometimes it seems to me or has seemed to me in the past that if I can just purge myself of all these transient thoughts I could think more clearly. That is not what turned out to be the case. Now, I feel less motivated to write, but have to do what most writers do, take breaks. I read once and it kind pissed me off that good writers will compose the whole book in their head, organize it and then write it. Pissed me off, because I very little ability to gather my thoughts and put them in order. Sometimes I tell people the inside of my van which if more often than not unorganized, a pigs stye sans the mud is a direct reflection of the inside of my brain.
Also, jumping from one topic to another, a symptom of my disjointed thinking. The chaos and confusion is a reoccurring theme in my writing because it has played a main part in my inabilities to communicate effectively throughout my life.
Here's how it is with me. I'm 62 years old and when I was growing up my thinking was damaged. I dont' know when it was damaged, perhaps in the forming of my brain, something went arye When adults tried to fit me into their way of thinking and I couldn't do it, I would say I can't do it. Then they would say sure you can, just apply yourself, I would try again and fail and say I can't do it. Can't do it was my growing up mantra. By refusing to further attempt to perform whatever task they requested of me, I was put in the trouble maker box. He can't do it because he choses not to attempt it. The thing is, I couldn't do it because I couldn't visualize or imagine it! Their inability to see my frustration and road blocks was either a system wide failure such as funding or training or whatever agenda the school system operated under at the time.
My ability to conceptualize is almost non existant. Today, I am attempting to reconstruct my bed frame, one that I designed and built in place at the North Portland residence initially, deconstructed it and transported it to SE and have attempted to reassemble it. I marked all the pieces and of course, marked them over markings from initial assembly. Good God, no wonder I struggled so with it, but that is not all, I just struggled with it. I did take it with a sense of oh well, before I got to upset with my own inabilities. I took it into my room to finish it and found part of my problem was left outside because of uneven ground. I was using shims, but a more level surface helped me finish my task.
My struggles, because I process how I think it should go, but when I execute, something goes wrong and I don't pay as close attention as I should and it doesn't go together right! I remember similar times when working on various car projects, taking something apart and not getting the whole picture and putting it back together wrong and then having to do it again and again, until at some point the switch goes off in my head and Oh, now I see! All this takes a heavy toll on my confidence! I don't have the confidence that others have and am hesitant to jump into a large project on my own. This is important to me because I am considering and planning a large project. Probably the largest project of my life other than going back to school and earning my aviation maintenance licenses! That was a project I could attempt because it was already set up, structured in a community college setting. That was a huge undertaking for me, going back to school and it started shortly after I got cleaned up. I have issues around school from the past, but those melted away, but not at first. With my aviation licenses I really wanted them. I wasn't apparently going to let anything stand in my way. When I was in my second year, my truck was stolen and I got on the bicycle and started riding to school being about 3 miles away and work about 4 miles. I was going to school and working like so many of my peers and at 48 years old. See how I got distracted by that and wandered off. That happens all the time.
It is similar today and although I have been able to identify my behavior challenges, I still practice the wrong ones. When I worked on the line on airplanes others could see some of my challenges and gave me jobs that didn't require to much visualization.
But what I am talking about here. What indeed, ramblings. I got back here after reading about Neil Young's latest Album a 2 CD set in the Rolling Stone #1169. The title is Fuzz and Fury on Planet Neil. In the article Neil says he writes songs "to make sense of my inner rage." This simple statement struck a chord with me. My inner anger is deep seated and as I stated before somewhere, may have actually published it here. I have always had an affinity for Neil and will probably purchase something of this latest two albums since they were done with his often used band Crazy Horse. I am wrapping this up because I can always add, but I must move it along. I have several drafts that I keep getting distracted away from and the words keep coming. I need to do tasks in the real world with one of my pals.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
trying to get the full and complete picture or the whole ball of wax!
It is Sunday morning and I have been listening to and viewing You Tube video's from Carl Perkins 25 year reunion with friends to Johnny Cash that was shown on BBC 2004, wow!
What do I have in common with musicians other than being human beings and having a set number of days from birth to death. I look at where I have been in confusion all my life, up to and including now. The past was always confusion and I had no idea really of the complete picture. I had glimpses of being 70 years old and flashing back and forth from then to the past in my 20's. I often felt I was telling someone the story of my life and my reality was 70 and the past was like a dream. My past was a dream and a nightmare.
I struggled just like many young people struggle and I didn't find the key to the complete picture until I stepped into the idea that I could get an idea and follow it. The idea was to appreciate what I have now and how to be grateful, to turn away from the negative impulses I had been living with for so long. Each of us must find balance and it takes some of us longer than others, that's for sure. I am still out of balance but a lot closer to feeling equal with all part of my personality and parts of my life. I am still living in confusion and chaos, because it just doesn't go away. I have learned I can take other actions than the out of balance ones.
I don't warm up to everyone and they don't warm up to me, but I am still pursuing the notion that I was taught long ago by my parents, not to judge a book by it's cover. I am doing that by pushing against the expected societal norms with the initial actions that I used long, long ago. I am growing my hair, now for a little over 3 years, from a very short buzz cut to now much longer. I was imagining growing it for 5 years. Often in the past someone would say something to me and I would get pissed off. Someone would say you are a throw back to the past with that long hair and I would resort to self destructive behavior and cut my hair thinking I would show them, but that would only affect me deeply. That impulsive behavior was often my down fall.
I have learned now after driving a school bus for 5 + years to temper my impulsive nature a little. I have been learning through this important driving that which is associated with getting some patience. I believe that patience is a quality that is talked about in our society, but is not given that much weight. We are living and have been living in a society that tells us quick, quick, hurry up and you can have it now. It is a societal norm, but a false image that has lead many of us down the wrong path. It has taken me a long time to figure out what I want to do with my life. It has taken me many inventories and assessments of what have I done the most of in my life. The answer has been to write. I have done writing the most of anything. I discovered this a couple of years ago, but have not been able to organize my writing to any great extent. I was thinking this morning again what I need more to do is transcribe my past writings and put them into the electronic media and go from there. This is almost more of my journal of what I want to do, but it is all connected.
All of this is part of my inability to stay focused on my own time. That time without the structure of a project that has an important role in my life. I am planning a large project, but have some smaller ones that have lost my attention and I need to get back on track. And so it goes. I am nearing that time when I may live to 70 years of age. Just 8 years away and what will I have accomplished? That is a question many of us ask ourselves as we come closer to the ends of our lives than the beginnings.
What do I have in common with musicians other than being human beings and having a set number of days from birth to death. I look at where I have been in confusion all my life, up to and including now. The past was always confusion and I had no idea really of the complete picture. I had glimpses of being 70 years old and flashing back and forth from then to the past in my 20's. I often felt I was telling someone the story of my life and my reality was 70 and the past was like a dream. My past was a dream and a nightmare.
I struggled just like many young people struggle and I didn't find the key to the complete picture until I stepped into the idea that I could get an idea and follow it. The idea was to appreciate what I have now and how to be grateful, to turn away from the negative impulses I had been living with for so long. Each of us must find balance and it takes some of us longer than others, that's for sure. I am still out of balance but a lot closer to feeling equal with all part of my personality and parts of my life. I am still living in confusion and chaos, because it just doesn't go away. I have learned I can take other actions than the out of balance ones.
I don't warm up to everyone and they don't warm up to me, but I am still pursuing the notion that I was taught long ago by my parents, not to judge a book by it's cover. I am doing that by pushing against the expected societal norms with the initial actions that I used long, long ago. I am growing my hair, now for a little over 3 years, from a very short buzz cut to now much longer. I was imagining growing it for 5 years. Often in the past someone would say something to me and I would get pissed off. Someone would say you are a throw back to the past with that long hair and I would resort to self destructive behavior and cut my hair thinking I would show them, but that would only affect me deeply. That impulsive behavior was often my down fall.
I have learned now after driving a school bus for 5 + years to temper my impulsive nature a little. I have been learning through this important driving that which is associated with getting some patience. I believe that patience is a quality that is talked about in our society, but is not given that much weight. We are living and have been living in a society that tells us quick, quick, hurry up and you can have it now. It is a societal norm, but a false image that has lead many of us down the wrong path. It has taken me a long time to figure out what I want to do with my life. It has taken me many inventories and assessments of what have I done the most of in my life. The answer has been to write. I have done writing the most of anything. I discovered this a couple of years ago, but have not been able to organize my writing to any great extent. I was thinking this morning again what I need more to do is transcribe my past writings and put them into the electronic media and go from there. This is almost more of my journal of what I want to do, but it is all connected.
All of this is part of my inability to stay focused on my own time. That time without the structure of a project that has an important role in my life. I am planning a large project, but have some smaller ones that have lost my attention and I need to get back on track. And so it goes. I am nearing that time when I may live to 70 years of age. Just 8 years away and what will I have accomplished? That is a question many of us ask ourselves as we come closer to the ends of our lives than the beginnings.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
I will admit here some of my true feelings...and what I am working on with my personality etc..
Feelings are just to personal to admit many of them to unknown people who might be reading my blogging. Although I admit to having feelings, I don't want to say to much about the ones I have. I am trying to find words to admit to my feelings of wanting companionship. I get crushes on different women, but the problem with those crushes is who I get crushes on. Usually women who are unavailable in one form or another. And this I see as a pattern of behavior on my part. It is either women who are unavailable or women who I thought I could influence to change just a little to better suit me. This is one of my oldest issues I think and spitting it out here, might help me with it.
I identified it many years ago, but allowed other distractions to keep me plodding along that same path of dysfunction. It is dysfunction to imagine finding a partner which is to good to be true etc. For instance I moved to Portland after having looked up an ex-girlfriend from the past and reconnecting with her. I thought we could take a stab at becoming friends since our relationship in the past was very physical and short lived, but it didn't work out for various reasons which I am not going to go into. It was as much my issues as it was hers. I will only take about 50% of the blame for that. And that is growth because I used to say break ups were all my fault having a guilt/martyr personality brought on by years of abuse by others and self abuse with drugs including alcohol.
Having crushes on people is not necessarily a bad thing. It is what we do with them that makes it or breaks it so to speak. I had a crush on a woman who has actually been one of my long time friends. She told me so long ago that she wasn't looking to date me when I had misread that about her.
It is tough being a loner and I have been one most of my life. I have had some relationships, some good some not so good. I am not out there trying to find any more from the past, although, one woman contacted me a couple of years ago and broke my heart pretty badly. It took me about 2 years to figure out what really happened and all the while not blaming either of us for what took place. My feelings around that have changed. My feelings are that she was revisiting me because we had known each other 20 odd years about and been attracted, and I made an impression on her but she was in a relationship at the time and couldn't pursue me. And my theory is 20 years later, she is developing another relationship with someone else and it looks like they are going to be life long partners and she wants to see what it would have been life with me before following through with the other person. I am thinking I was like her little fling before her marriage kind of deal. And that's about what it was. She completely fooled me into deluded thinking by taking advantage of her knowledge of human nature of men and I saw red flags and ignored them. This is all my own conjecture because she would never talk to me about it. She dropped me like a hot rock into a cold pond and the shock! I struggled with my own strong feelings for that that two years.
I am now healed, but also know of my desires and have to watch out for how I feel. Guarded. This is what happens to many of us who have been hurt. But they say, that we must risk all for love and be willing to and know that balance is always going to take place. The greatest of loves often brings us to the greatest of pain. We can endure it and learn from it to as I have. I have learned a lot more, but I still get crushes. I am writing about them now because I wish not to act on another crush with anyone who is not willing to be honest about their feelings too. I am trying to curb my actions about chasing unavailable women with my writing of this. It is primarily for me, but exposing it to whomever is somewhat cathartic for me and really enhances my belief that I can not act on feelings I might have in the form of crushes.
Finally, i am distracted regularly. But it is not by relationships or crushes, it is because of who I am and how I think. I was tested for this because it was a problem for me when I was working on airplanes back then 10 years ago. However, I do want to mention there has been woman who I met about 2.5 years ago in front of the house in N. Portland who I got to talking with back then. I got her phone number and called her a couple of times and she was interested in doing anything on a social thing. Then about a year ago, she friended me or I her on Face book. That was all Ok, but she didn't post much, but looked at my pages regularly. Then when I had my accident in Dec. of last year, she was right there, giving me a ride out of nowhere it seemed and was offering to take me places. When I took the ride from her, I had my whole right leg in a plastic splint and leaned over towards her and made a Jeffrey comment such as "uh oh, got to put my head in your lap to get in the truck" and that just freaked her out, thought she was going to leave me there in the rain! I tried to say I was just kidding around. She was fragile and because of it somewhat skittish. That was a red flag for me and I didn't call her for any rides even though she offered. I kept to myself because she kind of freaked me out. We texted and sent messages on FaceBook but that was the extent of it for months, but at some point I figured out she was not healthy and I needed to let it go. In late Aug. after not contacting her at all she called me on the phone and asked to borrow $50.00 because she had an issue and screwed it up. I said that she probably could use $100 and arranged to loan it to her for a week. We met in NE Portland and she was exclaiming how she had a revelation when her cat died. She was dressed up all in a skirt and tank top which was completely different from anything I'd ever seen her wear. We had tea not far from her apartment and then she invited me over and inside and was very hospitable. I gave her the money and she was talking about having me over more etc. I was thinking something isn't right here. I told her I knew she was busy and left, but not before she had suggested giving me a key, which really threw up flags and suggesting I come over when she wasn't there etc. She also told me some other things and I left thinking well maybe she has changed or she has split personality disorder. That is more likely the case. I have been with someone who has split personality disorder and this person was acting close to that other person so long ago. The week went by with her texting me from work etc. She had already in the past told me not to text her at work, but she was initiating it and so I did. Finally, about 1 day before she was to pay me back, she texted me and said she was upset with me for violating her space at work by texting her. When we agreed to meet, I set it up for a park and she brought me the money and I asked her if she was throwing me under the bus and she exclaimed I had been doing just that to her all week. And she told me how upset she was, how she had been abused enough by others and was not taking it from me, gave a hug and left. Holy Shit! The bomb went off and I knew, I was not going to make an effort to contact her again ever. I deleted her phone # from my phone and any record of it. I then unfriended her on Face Book. It took about a month before she contacted me having noticed she couldn't read my pages anymore asked me if I unfriended her on face book as though nothing had happened before. I wrote her back and said yes and said even though we had both tried to establish a friendship, it was not working.
I told her we are both good people but being friends with her was not going to happen. I think I handled it pretty well and that is likely what lead me to write all this because I finally making sense of my life after living for 62 years. I still can't believe it! 62, bouncing between that age and probably about 32 in my head and heart. Much of what I thought aging was about didn't really start to gel until this year. Aging and age are not as important as some other aspects of being human. So, crushes on women, I probably still get them but my age and experiences are starting to weigh in on how I act around them.
I identified it many years ago, but allowed other distractions to keep me plodding along that same path of dysfunction. It is dysfunction to imagine finding a partner which is to good to be true etc. For instance I moved to Portland after having looked up an ex-girlfriend from the past and reconnecting with her. I thought we could take a stab at becoming friends since our relationship in the past was very physical and short lived, but it didn't work out for various reasons which I am not going to go into. It was as much my issues as it was hers. I will only take about 50% of the blame for that. And that is growth because I used to say break ups were all my fault having a guilt/martyr personality brought on by years of abuse by others and self abuse with drugs including alcohol.
Having crushes on people is not necessarily a bad thing. It is what we do with them that makes it or breaks it so to speak. I had a crush on a woman who has actually been one of my long time friends. She told me so long ago that she wasn't looking to date me when I had misread that about her.
It is tough being a loner and I have been one most of my life. I have had some relationships, some good some not so good. I am not out there trying to find any more from the past, although, one woman contacted me a couple of years ago and broke my heart pretty badly. It took me about 2 years to figure out what really happened and all the while not blaming either of us for what took place. My feelings around that have changed. My feelings are that she was revisiting me because we had known each other 20 odd years about and been attracted, and I made an impression on her but she was in a relationship at the time and couldn't pursue me. And my theory is 20 years later, she is developing another relationship with someone else and it looks like they are going to be life long partners and she wants to see what it would have been life with me before following through with the other person. I am thinking I was like her little fling before her marriage kind of deal. And that's about what it was. She completely fooled me into deluded thinking by taking advantage of her knowledge of human nature of men and I saw red flags and ignored them. This is all my own conjecture because she would never talk to me about it. She dropped me like a hot rock into a cold pond and the shock! I struggled with my own strong feelings for that that two years.
I am now healed, but also know of my desires and have to watch out for how I feel. Guarded. This is what happens to many of us who have been hurt. But they say, that we must risk all for love and be willing to and know that balance is always going to take place. The greatest of loves often brings us to the greatest of pain. We can endure it and learn from it to as I have. I have learned a lot more, but I still get crushes. I am writing about them now because I wish not to act on another crush with anyone who is not willing to be honest about their feelings too. I am trying to curb my actions about chasing unavailable women with my writing of this. It is primarily for me, but exposing it to whomever is somewhat cathartic for me and really enhances my belief that I can not act on feelings I might have in the form of crushes.
Finally, i am distracted regularly. But it is not by relationships or crushes, it is because of who I am and how I think. I was tested for this because it was a problem for me when I was working on airplanes back then 10 years ago. However, I do want to mention there has been woman who I met about 2.5 years ago in front of the house in N. Portland who I got to talking with back then. I got her phone number and called her a couple of times and she was interested in doing anything on a social thing. Then about a year ago, she friended me or I her on Face book. That was all Ok, but she didn't post much, but looked at my pages regularly. Then when I had my accident in Dec. of last year, she was right there, giving me a ride out of nowhere it seemed and was offering to take me places. When I took the ride from her, I had my whole right leg in a plastic splint and leaned over towards her and made a Jeffrey comment such as "uh oh, got to put my head in your lap to get in the truck" and that just freaked her out, thought she was going to leave me there in the rain! I tried to say I was just kidding around. She was fragile and because of it somewhat skittish. That was a red flag for me and I didn't call her for any rides even though she offered. I kept to myself because she kind of freaked me out. We texted and sent messages on FaceBook but that was the extent of it for months, but at some point I figured out she was not healthy and I needed to let it go. In late Aug. after not contacting her at all she called me on the phone and asked to borrow $50.00 because she had an issue and screwed it up. I said that she probably could use $100 and arranged to loan it to her for a week. We met in NE Portland and she was exclaiming how she had a revelation when her cat died. She was dressed up all in a skirt and tank top which was completely different from anything I'd ever seen her wear. We had tea not far from her apartment and then she invited me over and inside and was very hospitable. I gave her the money and she was talking about having me over more etc. I was thinking something isn't right here. I told her I knew she was busy and left, but not before she had suggested giving me a key, which really threw up flags and suggesting I come over when she wasn't there etc. She also told me some other things and I left thinking well maybe she has changed or she has split personality disorder. That is more likely the case. I have been with someone who has split personality disorder and this person was acting close to that other person so long ago. The week went by with her texting me from work etc. She had already in the past told me not to text her at work, but she was initiating it and so I did. Finally, about 1 day before she was to pay me back, she texted me and said she was upset with me for violating her space at work by texting her. When we agreed to meet, I set it up for a park and she brought me the money and I asked her if she was throwing me under the bus and she exclaimed I had been doing just that to her all week. And she told me how upset she was, how she had been abused enough by others and was not taking it from me, gave a hug and left. Holy Shit! The bomb went off and I knew, I was not going to make an effort to contact her again ever. I deleted her phone # from my phone and any record of it. I then unfriended her on Face Book. It took about a month before she contacted me having noticed she couldn't read my pages anymore asked me if I unfriended her on face book as though nothing had happened before. I wrote her back and said yes and said even though we had both tried to establish a friendship, it was not working.
I told her we are both good people but being friends with her was not going to happen. I think I handled it pretty well and that is likely what lead me to write all this because I finally making sense of my life after living for 62 years. I still can't believe it! 62, bouncing between that age and probably about 32 in my head and heart. Much of what I thought aging was about didn't really start to gel until this year. Aging and age are not as important as some other aspects of being human. So, crushes on women, I probably still get them but my age and experiences are starting to weigh in on how I act around them.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
My system is once again corrupted, I did it myself, confusing, like stabbing myself in the foot!
this piece is from my original Journal Space blog back in the day.
"Well, how do you suppose this self preoccupied state of being came about? And how do we tactfully bring it to others attention? My answer is that we can lead by our actions. The United Way and another group have been broadcasting public service announcements recently on adults teaching children things like counting, how things work while driving in their cars for instance and then someone will cut them off and out comes some yelling. The message is that children are always learning and adults are always tea ˇching whether we are aware of it or not. People have learned behaviors and it is our responsibility to continue to learn or fall into regression."
It reminded me of something I see regularly that disturbs me. I drive by a preschool quite regularly. It is on a busy street near where I live and in the middle of the block between to traffic light controlled intersections with crosswalks. When adults are dropping off children I observe them regularly crossing directly opposite the preschool, from between cars, holding the hand of the child, sometimes darting across oncoming traffic.
What are they thinking? It takes to much time to walk down the street 100 feet to the controlled intersection, press the button, wait the 60 seconds at the most for the signal to change, cross the street, walk an additional 100 feet to the preschool and all the while this would implant a strong message to the child, a learned behavior to cross safely. Of course, that is not all of it, the adult would then have to walk back to the signal, wait another 60 seconds, cross the street and walk another hundred feet to their car. I suppose that less than 5 minutes they save is a considerable time saver for them.
On the other hand, let's cross without the advantage of the crosswalk. Most of the people driving down the street are in a hurry, because they are going to work or they have many important things to do that day and they could be trying to save time by talking on their cell phone or making an arrangement for something else, some impo rtant activity that needs to be planned with the time they are saving, the wasted time of driving.
Teleportation would be to good for us, think of all the time we could save between destinations or the time lost for planning important activities.
So, what happens with all these people saving time?
What happens is that the law of averages will catch up to someone sooner or later and a tragic, avoidable accident will happen. Someone will accidentally hit one of these, time saving adults, who is quite possibly holding the hand of a loved child and no one will save time. Everyone will lose some time and something else.
Someone will call paramedics, the fire dept., the police. All activity in the vicinity will come to a standstill, and even then it will seem like time is lost -or some how bent badly out of shape, except for those directly involved. Adults will be asking how could this have happened, several people will lay blame on the driver who after all was saving time while driving. Maybe someone will get it and discover that all of us need to stop blaming and take responsibility?
It is my intention to bring this issue to the attention of the preschool so that they can bring it to the attention of the adults that the little time they are saving could be costing someone's life in the future.
Don’t picture me a saint. It took me quite a long process to figure out what I could do to influence these other people without alienating them. At first when I observed it happening, I thought what is wrong with these people? They are putting their children at risk, for what, 2 m òinutes, 5 minutes? What Idiots! That was my thinking. How many times did I have to think What Idiots before changing my own behavior? I don’t know, but I stop at a store 1 block from this preschool often and make a point now of going to the signal and crossing. I’ve gone as far as timing the distance to the signal, to the store and back to my vehicle and therefore know the length of time is insignificant. There is no excuse for not changing our behavior when our behavior puts others or ourselves in jeopardy.
If I blurted out to them while holding the hand of an impressionable child “What is wrong with you, putting your child at risk crossing the street unprotected?” That would be exactly what they are saying in the United Way Public Service Announcement. That our children are learning from us all the time and not only would they learn to cross the street unprotected, but they would learn from me to to a Élienate others by being loud and abrasive.
That is behavior that I used for many years to do exactly that, keep people away from me. I have been consciously making small changes in my thought processes for 20 years now.
You may think, only 20 years? Where have you been? I’ve been to hell, lived there for while and I don’t want to go back. This is why it has taken me so long to get where I am mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
My downward spiral took years and once I was started I had tunnel vision, no one could grasp how bent on self destruction I was, not even myself, I was the worst. The lies I told, well I was the biggest believer. Most people could see through my lies rather quickly, but nothing could be proved since I refused to admit anything. The lies I told myself started out innocently enough and they compounded so often and so long that I created my own reality which had little to do with my surroundings.
I’m not going any deeper with this now. I’ve been and I’m where am now. I am not saying I’m back, because I’m not sure I was ever here in the first place.
So, I cross at crosswalks when available. I stop for pedestrians at crosswalks, and slow down for ones who are crossing streets regardless so that I have better chance of stopping if for some reason they don’t see me coming, maybe they are looking at the speeding car and not seeing me. I actually had windows open the other day driving slowly up the main thorough fare of the neighboring city and some people were about 40 feet from the crosswalk, traffic was dense and slow and as I passed them I called out, not exactly a shout, quieter than that, “why don’t you use the crosswalk?” and as I looked in my mirror, they stepped back onto the sidewalk and headed that 20 feet to cross. I know that is not the way to effect change, but and it did work momentarily.
Another subject/topic:
This is about myself, my challenge with the way I think that has been labeled as ADD/ADHD. I have known there is a name for the way I think for about 5 years. I discovered it in October 2000 while visiting my sister in Florida. I wonder how much longer it would have taken had I not gone there and picked up that book that I saw on her coffee table? How much longer would I have cart wheeled through life, continually in a state of spin, confusion and chaos and not even aware that there were others like me, because I was unaware. Discovery, awareness, acceptance, don’t know the exact order that these things have been taking a hold of me, that I have learned and held onto the words and the meanings, but this is where I am with it now. I consider myself in a constant flux, with one foot in my old world and the other in my new world of self discovery. I have worked through much, worked through old wounds created by my old behavior of keeping other away from me. I figured out long ago that I wasn’t tough, so my defense became insanity. Convince those around me that I was crazy and that worked. Those who thought they could take advantage of me soon realized that I was crazy and should be left alone. If they attempted to interact, they soon found out that I was dangerous and maybe they were mistaken. Of course, to not lose face, they had to reinforce my behavior and shout loudly that I was crazy, or something similar.
The thing that happens because of my thinking patterns is not only is it a deficit, but there are several elements that are not mentioned in my challenged thinking patterns. Not only am I challenged by my lack of focus, but I am challenged by my intense focusing and my inability to organize my thoughts and prioritize. I am slowing learning to identify my behaviors and am slowly retraining my brain.
I can see now, right here that it is time to stop. My focus is turning to someplace else, inward and I don’t want to continue to whip that dead horse. :-)
Friday, September 14, 2012
Chapter 396 the ever continuing quest for understanding myself...
How long have I traveled down this path, way past understanding what the age of consent is? I never consented to much of anything when I was growing up. Rehashing the same old misunderstandings is what much of my life has been about, discovering just who I am and what I am about. Still searching for what it is that I think my purpose on the planet is. I've found a new goal, a new challenge and I am working towards it. Maybe my place on the planet is what I am now working towards, maybe it has been what I am supposed to be about all along and it has taken me this long to get to this point. That is true, it has taken me this long to get to this point in time.
I thought I knew some things back in time, but even though I did, I have forgotten them now. That is just another way of saying what Bob Dylan said long ago: "Ah but I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now." Of course, I didn't really know what that meant and I am shocked that he could write that at his young age and know what it meant.
I've never known much of anything if anyone asked me. I often said I don't know, not knowing the right answer or not understanding what the question meant, I had learned early in my age to not ask questions as a self defense mechanism because when I asked people would misunderstand and I would be ridiculed, laughed at or just plain dismissed! I have never or rarely been able to organize my thoughts, which is why I started writing my thoughts as a teen. I couldn't remember from one moment tot he next what I had been thinking about and never could form a question as to why that was, because the questions would disappear from my focus faster than the blink of an eye as they say.
Not all of this is stream of conscious writing because I have been reading what I wrote and that takes some thought. But, some of what I read had to be added to and expanded and some of that was stream of conscious. Some of it wasn't. I may at some point become the writer I imagine myself to be or then again, what did I just say?
I have done a lot of things in my life, some good some not so good, but I have done one thing all along, I have survived. My conscious contribution to that survival has been somewhat mixed. There were about 2 decades I was on a self destructive bent knowing no way to stop the frustration and anger that had built up in me from my childhood! What an upper middle class kid who could have so much had anger and frustration? Must just be a spoiled brat who didn't know the meaning of privilege. Of course I didn't and more than that, had no idea of who I was or how I got there or really what life was about. My sense of self was missing. I can't even describe what it was like at this time, but I intend to and have somewhere in the past.
People are often frustrated with me, because they can't really put themselves in my shoes. My own younger sister although from the same parents has a much better handle on life than I do. She is leaps and bounds ahead of me in so many areas. Yet she is also a survivor.
The survivor instinct, the traits that cause one to push ahead are strong in me still. The hunter/gatherer parts are strong too. I have been only knowing about these parts of my make up now for about 3 years and accept them. I accept that I can not recall what happened yesterday in detail or what happened from moment to moment. I am in the moment and perhaps that is why I chose this as the Title of my blog. I recognize my in the moment attitude. It is what makes me an excellant heavy vehicle driver full of kids or young adults or even adults, because when I am driving that vehicle that is where I am. I am right there in the moment using the tools and resources I have, my inherited traits to do the job well.
Moments are why I have never followed through with jobs, careers, hobbies etc. I am typical as far as attention deficit explanations go for keeping jobs. Chances are I won't be able to finish my thoughts here either. This is just a moment and it will be lost to me. I am already losing track of my initial thoughts for writing today. And with that, I will leave it here.
I thought I knew some things back in time, but even though I did, I have forgotten them now. That is just another way of saying what Bob Dylan said long ago: "Ah but I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now." Of course, I didn't really know what that meant and I am shocked that he could write that at his young age and know what it meant.
I've never known much of anything if anyone asked me. I often said I don't know, not knowing the right answer or not understanding what the question meant, I had learned early in my age to not ask questions as a self defense mechanism because when I asked people would misunderstand and I would be ridiculed, laughed at or just plain dismissed! I have never or rarely been able to organize my thoughts, which is why I started writing my thoughts as a teen. I couldn't remember from one moment tot he next what I had been thinking about and never could form a question as to why that was, because the questions would disappear from my focus faster than the blink of an eye as they say.
Not all of this is stream of conscious writing because I have been reading what I wrote and that takes some thought. But, some of what I read had to be added to and expanded and some of that was stream of conscious. Some of it wasn't. I may at some point become the writer I imagine myself to be or then again, what did I just say?
I have done a lot of things in my life, some good some not so good, but I have done one thing all along, I have survived. My conscious contribution to that survival has been somewhat mixed. There were about 2 decades I was on a self destructive bent knowing no way to stop the frustration and anger that had built up in me from my childhood! What an upper middle class kid who could have so much had anger and frustration? Must just be a spoiled brat who didn't know the meaning of privilege. Of course I didn't and more than that, had no idea of who I was or how I got there or really what life was about. My sense of self was missing. I can't even describe what it was like at this time, but I intend to and have somewhere in the past.
People are often frustrated with me, because they can't really put themselves in my shoes. My own younger sister although from the same parents has a much better handle on life than I do. She is leaps and bounds ahead of me in so many areas. Yet she is also a survivor.
The survivor instinct, the traits that cause one to push ahead are strong in me still. The hunter/gatherer parts are strong too. I have been only knowing about these parts of my make up now for about 3 years and accept them. I accept that I can not recall what happened yesterday in detail or what happened from moment to moment. I am in the moment and perhaps that is why I chose this as the Title of my blog. I recognize my in the moment attitude. It is what makes me an excellant heavy vehicle driver full of kids or young adults or even adults, because when I am driving that vehicle that is where I am. I am right there in the moment using the tools and resources I have, my inherited traits to do the job well.
Moments are why I have never followed through with jobs, careers, hobbies etc. I am typical as far as attention deficit explanations go for keeping jobs. Chances are I won't be able to finish my thoughts here either. This is just a moment and it will be lost to me. I am already losing track of my initial thoughts for writing today. And with that, I will leave it here.
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