I am going back to the future or how I am validating my feelings of the past with the present...

I may have mentioned growing my hair since July 2009, the last time I buzzed my hair to the scalp. I am in the 5th year of growing it. When I was much younger I never grew it this long. They wouldn't permit it. They got upset and oppressed me when by hair touched my collar. My parents didn't care, it was the public school system I was an indentured slave to.

My first opposition to authority came in the 6th grade when I learned the power of Fuck You when said to an adult's face. When an adult, our PE teacher who happened to be a former US Marine wanted 3 of us who palled around together to do laps or some nonsense because he didn't like us and needed to show us who was boss. We almost to a boy at the same time told him Fuck You! And then we ran and we out ran this guy. Of course, we got caught when we went back to school the next day or was it when they called our homes and spoke with our parents and beat because that was what our fathers did for punishment in those days. We were also forbidden to hang together any longer. That wasn't that hard for me and eventually I found new friends to hang with. Hanging out with different people over time was my m/o. I would form friendships and loose them just as easily. I have no friendships left from elementary school, no one I kept in touch with. I didn't even keep them around as I changed schools etc. That is the nature of some of our relationships from the past. I am discovering finally that it is ok to let go of friendships because as we mature our likes and values often change and what we like to do and who we like to do it with changes. I am finally Ok with that, finally!

I started writing this near to the beginning of the year and it is now past the middle of the year. It is Ok, as I have been busy with all kinds of adventures. As I often say, " I am consistently inconsistent" Of course that doesn't mean I am unreliable. I have almost always been reliable and consistent to get to work for instance. I have made punctuality an obsession. I have been punctual when I was going to work and later to school in my early and late 40's. Who knows if I am done with school? I don't know that far into the future.

My hair is still growing and I was frustrated with it yesterday and considered cutting it, but didn't.  This is actually the first time in my life I have felt comfortable with whatever my characteristics and outwardly appearance happens to be... Took all this time to be accepting of myself, without having doubt if I am doing the right thing or not. I was terminated from my 6.5 year job of driving school buses and a darned stressful job at that. I am ready to leave it behind. I wasn't at first, but doors opening and doors closing well, got that backwards but you know. One closes and a new one opens, perhaps something that has opened before and maybe it is time to once again go there. Or even some that I have never done will beckon to me. I know they are.

I am surprisingly tired and I didn't do anything to warrant it!

I am drowsy, having driven up into the Columbia River Gorge this afternoon, getting out to take various photo's. I am listening to the listener picks from one of the local commercial radio stations, thinking about what I am going to get for dinner. I am changing my eating habits as my 1 and only New Years resolution. Change the way I eat and everything else will change appropriately along the way.

On the news on TV which is on mute, San Antonio Texas, Porta Potties catch fire! Big news story of 2014.

Maybe I am down realizing I will be going back to work in several days. I was so relaxed not working for over a week. Wow, and now I guess I am gearing up for the coming next rush of working. 12 weeks of work until Spring Break. Ugh! Of course we will have various days off along the way. 47 working days until a week off in March. Then we go another 2.5 months until summer break. All of this will likely go more quickly than I like. As I age, will be 64 this year, Yikes! Got to find someone who will still love me at that age. That's not really a high priority. Not a likely to happen though since I am not well to do. It is only well to do men it seems that get partners at my age. I think they must have a lot of bank accounts. I don't back so those don't count as assets for me.

I'm wandering. I will have to start walking more. The TV news says it makes a big difference and I know from the past it is true. I am just so used to doing nothing. A family tradition, sitting still reading or what I am doing, playing on the computer. Tomorrow I will not drive anywhere, but walk to destinations. Actually, I don't like to drive around that much since I am still driving a school bus during the school year. Driving my car around town is not as safe as driving my bus. Got to go now, maybe a nap. The other thing I am going to try and do is come here and write more. Not just this crap either. Something real, such as in my other blog which contains it seems better content.

My life is a balancing act

There is a person I want to contact and the shadow of proper is hanging over my head telling me it would be improper for me to use a business phone number for a personal contact.

My own values may not be the same as the societal values and hence the conflict. I know all of us must consider the societal values because they are standards we can all agree are there for each and every one of us, almost.

I have to look at what I am intending. I am intending to ask this person if they would like to meet for a cup of tea or something similar, because I am curious about this person. I also know my limitations and whether this person would consider it inappropriate and I don't want t make a bad impression.

You would have to read my other blog to know what that means to me. I am not going into it here.

So, as I have found in the past, putting down my thoughts and feelings to words that I can read seems to relieve some of the pressure I feel. I just need to learn patience and wait until I see this person in person. There is time. Yet sometimes time seems to play tricks on me. My needs, my desires, my wants are not all the same and they don't always align with what I expect society has in mind.

Take a breath, do something else, time will pass quickly enough and I will be able to compose my thoughts and express them in person.

Now, in 2020, May, 12 I don't even know who this person was etc This lis how it is supposed to be. Estranged you and me.
   

Family Traits

I inherited my mothers sensitivities. But instead of being angry at myself for being so sensitive, I had to learn first to not be sensitive and I did that with alcohol and other drugs. Did it that way for about 24 years. I did take some drugs in that period of time that showed me my sensitivities were a gift, but I didn't recognize the gift I was given. I continued long past healthy to try and quash my over sensitivity.

I failed, I was a wailing dolt and then the frustrations I stuffed became anger. I was an angry drunk and I was out of control. I was out of control for about 15 years and somehow survived that anger, the alcohol and the other drugs I put into my body. Finally, I started to have moments of clarity where I could see that my use of intoxicants was coming to an end. My addiction was hanging on and I couldn't quite kick it. It had been at the time, more than twice the age I started with.

Both of my parents had drinking problems as did I and my two sisters likely. They were able to let it go sooner than I did I think. We all share the sensitivities our mom had. And tonight, I am feeling them largely. I am having strong emotions and instead of trying to get rid of them, I just let them be what they are, a gift. I've had the gift for a long time and will probably have it till the day I die. I now realize the gift for what it is. It is a gift my parents gave me to help me get through with my moments.

As I listen to the water drip off the roof, the moments slow down and I can hear the beating of my heart. I am forever linked to my family by what I inherited from them, from those who came before them. I am grateful that I have lived to understand and accept my family traditions.

I have made an error in and not thought about my actions!

yes it is true, a mistake that only I will have to pay for. I bought a chocolate bar and while sampling it, ate the whole thing! Yes, between 8 and 9 pm. Not good, oh the chocolate was excellant. The eating at this late hour, not good. It was laden in caffeine and I will likely suffer consequences. Those will be a bit of insomnia and I can't really afford that, now can I.

Wait! No work tomorrow, just a little meeting at a decent hour. I will be able to read a little and then go to sleep. I have a method for getting to sleep and it works every time!

Living as a child, I looked up to adults, because I was short and they were taller. Not only that, but my parents lead me to believe adults had the authority to know what was right and what was wrong. That I should listen to them because they had a heck of a lot more experiences and especially teachers had college educations and were worldly and knew a lot more than I!

My insanity started long ago and I wasn't insane until I started school.  I wasn't insane at first, they conditioned me into insanity. The education system has no room for those who think differently and I was one of those. I am still one of those and finally I had a moment of clarity or several along the way and made some changes. I continue to make changes.  One of the biggest was don't take anything, that stopped my downhill roller coaster ride to self destruction!

The disdain for myself came from years in the public school system  where I was marginalized by administrators, staff, educators and my peers. They would tell me over and over that  feelings I expressed were imaginary, that I made them up all without investigating to see if they were in fact real! And they were real. But because I was told that my own nature was impossible, that sent me into despair and desolation, self rejection and self punishment. I was cast into a the a pool of confusion and chaos. I was being made into a crazy person because no one could figure out what kind of sanity I was operating in.

The people who were supposed to be helping me were making me insane.They told me I was behaving badly, that I was doing so on purpose and in spite of them, that I was a hateful child. They said things like "if you don't straighten up, you will end up in jail for crimes against society. And that is what happened! Because they told me who I would become, I became that person because adults at the time were the authority and they knew what was right and what was wrong. I must be wrong, they said so. When I became wrong on purpose, it was to shut them out. I did a good job of it, but in doing so, I also deprived myself of growing up and had to do that when there were some interventions. They stopped my roller coaster ride to self destruction.

A psychologist once told me she was surprised I was not in prison with an extended sentence. I avoided that at all costs, although I was arrested and went to trial many times, there were almost always some circumstances that weighed in on my cases. Thank goodness I didn't kill anyone. Notice how I said not kill anyone? That is  because I used to hurt others and myself. I certainly hurt myself the most. I stunted my emerging from childhood, from adolescents and into adulthood by a couple of decades! It has taken a long time to slow down  my self  abusive nature. I am still struggling with it. I have still been on a downhill ride with sugar and food that is not good for me, probably the basis of my whole makeup! I am not making huge changes, just little adjustments, 2 steps forward, 1 step back kind of exercises.
I did lots of one or two, or 3 day jail stays. One time I ended up in a straightjacket in a rubber room on a 5150. That was when I was 22. That was 41 years ago. I vowed never to be put into that kind of situation again, ever!

I have to keep putting my age in front of my face to believe that I am 63 going on 25. It is hard to imagine, but I am getting the picture. My inner adolescent tells me things, and inner child is there too. And I am sad that I spent so much of my younger life insane with frustration, pain and anger. Explosive anger that almost always got me in jail, even landed in jail when I was maybe 45 or so. The police were real nice about it, they kept telling me I didn't have to go if I did or said something, except my stubborn streak came in and it wouldn't let me do what they said to keep me from going. I don't think I even listened or if I did, I didn't consider all the options.  I have struggled with everything since I went to public schools. I would have faired no better if I had gone to private schools. I probably would have been on a slow burn there too, except they would likely have kept me longer to keep the money rolling in from my parents. There was a point my father wanted to send me away to military academy! That would have changed everything or made it turn over much faster. It is what it is. I am who I am from the forming I received in my earlier life. It is at the core of my process, but change is also taking place and I am grateful for the ability to look into changing.

I resist change as much as anyone. There is a difference though it seems to me. Some of us recognize that change is inevitable and we must help ourselves along this path toward the ultimate change of our spirit leaving our bodies.

Mourning the passing of my cat Jerky

Not much to write here. Lots of thoughts, missing my cat. Lot's of death in the last 1 1/2 years as my sister MFC pointed out when we spoke today.

Going to pal around with a friend and Shut up and Eat! SE Gladstone and SE Cesar Chavez. 

Got to go, go, go! Am



PM Took a hot tub at a place I was checking out 7 years ago, before I even moved here. Thing is, never went there for one reason or another. Sometimes it takes an event that is devastating to our emotions to make a course correction. I have been making some minor course corrections.  Putting Jerky down, caused an intense pain and although I was expecting it, the momentary suddenness of the event yesterday took me off guard. Here and not here, my little fluffy ball of full is now a cold lifeless body. Something we are become eventually. Our spirit goes out when our life ends. I am surprised her spirit hasn't come to visit. We were together for 10 years. I never punished her, she had me under her paws. I was slave to her, willingly, sometimes I wished I wasn't, but knowing that day would come eventually and then loving her. Loved her.

Part of the discussion I had with the vet was I wouldn't do this to my mom, felt my own mortality, wouldn't want anyone to put a needle in me and take my live. We are survivors, fighters as was Jerky. Jerky was a survivor. She had survived whatever it was that she lived in before she moved to CA. She survived the woman who gave her up, who was to young to have developed feelings for her cat that I found for her cat. She survived her ailing health. She was beginning to suffer and I couldn't let her suffer her failing body, her failing bodily functions. I couldn't let her and so gave my permission for the vet to inject her with first the powerful sedative, which I think actually slowed her down so much, that just a drop of the other powerful drug, stopped her heart. I was holding her when she stopped breathing. I new even before the vet listened for her heart. I knew and still know the pain of losing her. That pain is probably compounded by my guilt for taking Busters life, by my own mothers death in April. My own mortality and what is my purpose? What have I accomplished? It doesn't seem like much now. Will it seem like much later, not likely. I won't be being so hard on myself. I won't be as grief stricken as I feel now. I wouldn't dare write this on Face Book, I am not so secure in feeling about writing it here, but wtf. I really don't care. I haven't seen my work associated with anything. It is just writing.

it is what I have been doing to sort out my feelings when I get really down. Down. Tomorrow I will straighten up and take care of getting rid of some of Jerky's other things. I already took her food and water bowls out. Next her cat little boxes and the big red carpet that kept her from totally ruining the wood floor in this small space. I have another carpet that is smaller I will install.

And then Monday, back to work. Back to the job that wants us to believe everything is as it was before we left for TG break. Not the same. We'll see how it goes. We are going to have some weather this winter, I think it will snow a bunch, even in the valley. It will certainly snow up in the West Hills. I did last year, the year before and the year before that. It snows up there even when it doesn't snow down here. That is enough for this. I published time originally was 11:45 am about 24 hours after I took my sick cat to the vet. Took me 24 hours to write something about my feelings more than the shallow entry  put on FaceBook, to let my friends know.