I like to write here and haven't been here for quite a while really until yesterday and the 9th of Jan. 2012. I like this format, because it gives me a certain feeling of anonymity
that I don't feel I have at Face Book. I don't want everybody to know
what or how I am thinking. I tried that in the past and learned over time that trusting everyone is a mistake for me. If a person knows where to look they can find
my page. Yet, with that, I still feel a certain amount of privacy. Another reason to write here is I can save, sleep my computer and come back to it like I have been doing this afternoon gone into evening.
The limitations of my body seem to be catching up to the limitations of my mind. The last month of 2011 and the first month of 2012 have changed me rather suddenly or that's how it feels. Actually, the changes have been happening over time, but I haven't been letting my mind acknowledge them. I tell some people about my experiences and what I say seems like it is a little hard for them to understand. Of course, my ability to communicate has always been strained. I have always been either misunderstood or misunderstood. Non-sense? Not to me. Only to those who can't imagine there are many ways of being, thinking, feeling. We limit ourselves by our habits, expectations and desires.
Today was another day of strong feelings. Today I was understanding and accepting something about my chronological age. I was helping one of my friends on a plumbing task he was doing at home and together our ages add up. I was thinking none of us can escape the inevitability of the life cycle. He was telling me about his limitations, that he feels his mind leaning into dementia and I said I have been prepared for that my whole life because my particular challenge leaves me always feeling as though I am missing something. I have been lost most of my life, but also have noticed other changes.
The job went well. It is often a good thing to have a second opinion
when one is doing a job that one is unfamiliar with. We balanced each
other. We worked it out and got the job done to his
satisfaction. If we had not met the challenge well enough, we would have had to call the plumber. That would have been costly. We handled it and then went to the grocery. We went to People's and Trader Joe's.
I have been ignoring or denying some of the changes that come, but I can't ignore or deny them anymore. I am accepting how I am changing and that change is the only constant and inevitable. It is adapting to the changes that are tough. Adapting and adjusting is what I am meant to do. Resisting this basic of needs seems to be a common action in this, our species.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Johnny Cash singing "Your Own Personal Jesus" a cover on his album American IV.
I am being pulled along like a cork in the ocean, bobbing up and down on and in a current. I am only slightly able to make course changes.
Feelings were stronger yesterday, much stronger. I am often confused still by my feelings, so I just feel them and eventually time takes away the strength and allows me to find some perspective. It's a heck of ride and sometimes I wish I had more input into the direction I am traveling. All that I feel begs the age old question, what, who why, where?
The best I can get is to keep putting that other foot in front of the other, walking through the time that is much like that big bowl of gelatin. It is probably lime gelatin because when lime is added to anything, it brings out extraordinary flavors. People and lime, brings out more than the ordinary.
I'm attempting to head out to a friends to consult with him on a plumbing issue and perhaps put a wrench to some part of his plumbing system. I just got a message on my phone and I must go now. Now!
I am being pulled along like a cork in the ocean, bobbing up and down on and in a current. I am only slightly able to make course changes.
Feelings were stronger yesterday, much stronger. I am often confused still by my feelings, so I just feel them and eventually time takes away the strength and allows me to find some perspective. It's a heck of ride and sometimes I wish I had more input into the direction I am traveling. All that I feel begs the age old question, what, who why, where?
The best I can get is to keep putting that other foot in front of the other, walking through the time that is much like that big bowl of gelatin. It is probably lime gelatin because when lime is added to anything, it brings out extraordinary flavors. People and lime, brings out more than the ordinary.
I'm attempting to head out to a friends to consult with him on a plumbing issue and perhaps put a wrench to some part of his plumbing system. I just got a message on my phone and I must go now. Now!
Monday, January 9, 2012
Yesterday was a recovering, relax day. Today is a get mobile day.
Today I am going to take a hot epsom salt bath, eat a bagel with toffutti on it and after that likely get out and about, perhaps ride the bus.
Hot water bath. I look forward to spring, when the roads are once again clear so that my friend and I can drive up to Bagby Hot Springs, take a little hike and then soak in that good mineral water.
What adventures await us with the ever lengthening days? There are going to be many. There is also hard work ahead. I am currently involved with two working groups, two unions. The first union is a solidarity and organizing union, The IWW. When people think of the IWW they think of the labor struggles back in the 1930's but have little info that the IWW is alive and growing once again. The other union I am involved with is the one representing me as a school bus driver, The ATU757. It is a business union and is in my opinion stuck, spinning it's wheels, not understanding what needs to change in order to get members involved. It has not evolved into a strong group of workers because it is almost like a business, collecting dues from us and passing out information as a small group of officers decides is the path they want to take.
I have more faith in the IWW because of the way we do organizing. The members I am involved with are all leaders and we are democratic in all of our processes. In Portland, the IWW is quite strong and growing. Look for our world convention in Aug. 2012. When we host this convention there will be a lot of energy and focused business being decided upon democratically. I intend to be right in the thick of the involvement. It is an awesome process that will be a great learning experience for all those who are touched by it.
Enough for now. Life is calling, the hot bath, the cell phone, my auto mechanic, a ride on the bus. It is all tugging at me for attention.
Hot water bath. I look forward to spring, when the roads are once again clear so that my friend and I can drive up to Bagby Hot Springs, take a little hike and then soak in that good mineral water.
What adventures await us with the ever lengthening days? There are going to be many. There is also hard work ahead. I am currently involved with two working groups, two unions. The first union is a solidarity and organizing union, The IWW. When people think of the IWW they think of the labor struggles back in the 1930's but have little info that the IWW is alive and growing once again. The other union I am involved with is the one representing me as a school bus driver, The ATU757. It is a business union and is in my opinion stuck, spinning it's wheels, not understanding what needs to change in order to get members involved. It has not evolved into a strong group of workers because it is almost like a business, collecting dues from us and passing out information as a small group of officers decides is the path they want to take.
I have more faith in the IWW because of the way we do organizing. The members I am involved with are all leaders and we are democratic in all of our processes. In Portland, the IWW is quite strong and growing. Look for our world convention in Aug. 2012. When we host this convention there will be a lot of energy and focused business being decided upon democratically. I intend to be right in the thick of the involvement. It is an awesome process that will be a great learning experience for all those who are touched by it.
Enough for now. Life is calling, the hot bath, the cell phone, my auto mechanic, a ride on the bus. It is all tugging at me for attention.
Friday, December 30, 2011
growing pains
Growing up from a child to an adult, what does that mean exactly. I never knew in any cohesive terms, just small views here and there and then back into whatever oblivion I had chosen or been offered to lessen the pain of moving from one moment to the next. I had little cognitive idea what my place in our society was supposed to be. I had very little ability to connect the points of my life to the next.
There are some who say we are all in the same boat and that is true, we are all in this together, but also say we must each honor the differences in each of our life's experiences or we will learn little, just continuing to think that everyone's experiences are the same, assuming conditions that are not necessarily true for others. We can not assume that if you have the will to do something, you can because there are people out there who can't get that done, do to physical or mental or other limitations. There are those out there that have overcome their limitations, but they are the exceptions not the rule.
There are plenty of us out here who have had many opportunities to cease to exist, many times that we have or should have, yet here we are and why? That's a big question. There are small adjustments that I continue to make and I am learning still which is a good thing. If I don't learn as I go, I won't be able to lead along this path. Leading is something I discovered about myself. I have determined that I am a leader not a follower. Each of us as individuals is capable of many things. We share many traits and our up bringing determines much of who we are to become. I had glimpses of who I was going to be. Others couldn't envision a future for me other than as a trouble maker or someone who was going to end up at the bottom of the pile. I have been at the bottom and I have been high on the ladder. Now I am just trying to record all of my experiences so that I too can leave a small imprint for just a moment in time.
We will all turn to dust and then our sun in some many thousands of years with grow to a large red giant and engulf all the planets in our solar system and even our foot prints will be swallowed up into oblivion! Of course, we will be long gone in our lives and our children's children's children, unknown whether they will even survive our inconsistencies to leap off this planet. The size of all existences is to large to imagine for most of us. Thinking of all the energy sources beyond our planet, our solar system, our galaxy, our universe. Such heady words, probably beyond our comprehension. I tremble trying to think of how insignificant I am in this ever expanding train of thinking! Wow, I've certainly experienced my share of growing pains and now it is time to bring my mind back to earth and think of being in the moment. This drip, drip drip existence that I am experiencing. That we are all plodding through.
There are some who say we are all in the same boat and that is true, we are all in this together, but also say we must each honor the differences in each of our life's experiences or we will learn little, just continuing to think that everyone's experiences are the same, assuming conditions that are not necessarily true for others. We can not assume that if you have the will to do something, you can because there are people out there who can't get that done, do to physical or mental or other limitations. There are those out there that have overcome their limitations, but they are the exceptions not the rule.
There are plenty of us out here who have had many opportunities to cease to exist, many times that we have or should have, yet here we are and why? That's a big question. There are small adjustments that I continue to make and I am learning still which is a good thing. If I don't learn as I go, I won't be able to lead along this path. Leading is something I discovered about myself. I have determined that I am a leader not a follower. Each of us as individuals is capable of many things. We share many traits and our up bringing determines much of who we are to become. I had glimpses of who I was going to be. Others couldn't envision a future for me other than as a trouble maker or someone who was going to end up at the bottom of the pile. I have been at the bottom and I have been high on the ladder. Now I am just trying to record all of my experiences so that I too can leave a small imprint for just a moment in time.
We will all turn to dust and then our sun in some many thousands of years with grow to a large red giant and engulf all the planets in our solar system and even our foot prints will be swallowed up into oblivion! Of course, we will be long gone in our lives and our children's children's children, unknown whether they will even survive our inconsistencies to leap off this planet. The size of all existences is to large to imagine for most of us. Thinking of all the energy sources beyond our planet, our solar system, our galaxy, our universe. Such heady words, probably beyond our comprehension. I tremble trying to think of how insignificant I am in this ever expanding train of thinking! Wow, I've certainly experienced my share of growing pains and now it is time to bring my mind back to earth and think of being in the moment. This drip, drip drip existence that I am experiencing. That we are all plodding through.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Another end, Another beginning!
So many drips have passed before my eyes. They have filled many pools. Some of them are in the cool hard porecelin of the bath tub, some of them in cool clear mountain streams. It is hard to recollect all the drips of time as one tries to once they have formed pools.
Looking at a pool gives thought of reflection if it is still, if we can be still. Sitting to the side, the front or whatever location. On a rock or on the element of the dirt or leaning on a tree. Finding that stillness is my choice, our choice. Piling our stillness into the last few days of a year is over whelming. Over the top. Making that choice of doing it all in one moment is over whelming. We don't have to choose this pool over all the drips.
Music is flooding over me as I sit here, cooling from sitting in my resin based pool of hot to warm water, now air, turning much of my energy inward. Reflecting on much, getting ready for more. There is always more until there is no more, at least in this reality of dripping moments.
Looking at a pool gives thought of reflection if it is still, if we can be still. Sitting to the side, the front or whatever location. On a rock or on the element of the dirt or leaning on a tree. Finding that stillness is my choice, our choice. Piling our stillness into the last few days of a year is over whelming. Over the top. Making that choice of doing it all in one moment is over whelming. We don't have to choose this pool over all the drips.
Music is flooding over me as I sit here, cooling from sitting in my resin based pool of hot to warm water, now air, turning much of my energy inward. Reflecting on much, getting ready for more. There is always more until there is no more, at least in this reality of dripping moments.
Monday, August 15, 2011
I still haven't found the solution to my blog going to face book notes
I am still baffled by my blog showing up on my Face Book notes. I wanted it to link at some point and now I am thinking I may not. Of course, 6 of 1, 1/2 dz of the other. Why should I care?
On another note my pal Dan had a big cortisone shot in his hip today with the big needle. I have my own little medical episode to report on too.
I have been feeling this discomfort in my chest for about 3 weeks. Actually, I don't know exactly how long its been, but for some time. So the other day I got call from work about my health insurance that is a 10 month policy, but I worked 80 hours in July, so they wanted to know if I wanted to pay my part of the premium, about $35 for Aug. and I did. So back to my little chest pain. I looked on the web at the kp.org site to see if I could make an appointment etc. but determined I would just ride my bike the couple of miles or 3 down there and go to urgent care. When a 61 year old guy goes to a hospital and tells them he has been having chest discomfort for about 3 weeks, they busy fast. I have to keep reminding myself I am 61 and putting into a figure 61 helps me to realize I am talking about myself. One word, Gastritis!
That diagnosis came after I got all the tests. And they were quiet surprised when I told them I rode my bike to the hospital. I kept my sense of humor when they tried to find my veins for various needles using the nurse in training. I told when you put it in and if you miss, don't spend to much time hunting around in there or likely to get a black eye from my right hand! I told her I was not serious about the black eye, but serious about hunting. The full fledged nurse had to help out. She had x-ray eyes and found it without withdrawing it. They poked me 3 times with needles and the CT scan, whoa! Had my ECG taken and that was pretty good, but the doctor wanted to make sure and the CT scan was sci-fi all the way. Considering that I watched Blade Runner last night and some other sci-fi last night, well what do you expect?
They gave me about 300 years of radiation, that is 300 years of going out in the sun every day for that period of time is how the doctor described it. That means I've had about 500 years now of radiation along with my regular daily doses. This CT scan was different than the one I had 4 years ago. They put iodine into my veins 4 contrast so they could get a better idea about my heart the arteries. The iodine for all you folks that have not had it is like drinking really hot chocolate. They described it as feeling like wetting you pant, warm urine or something. I just think that description was from some folks who have a limited imagination. So, you drink this really hot chocolate, but it's not to hot. It warmed up my throat, I could feel it in my chest, warm from the inside out. My hands broke into a sweat, warm, like sitting in a hot tub, every part of my body lit up like the 4th of July for about 10 seconds and they did it 2 times. They shot me without it one time for a normal scan. I asked the tech and she said that women have described it kind of like the hot flashes they get at the change of life. So, that was it. Spent about 3.5 hours in the hospital getting poked, prodded and scanned all the while on O2 which really didn't do anything other than keep me a little bit away, not like when I had carbon monoxide poisoning and they gave be big does of 02.
Reading the paper work they gave to me after I left the hospital, I see that I am supposed to be taking Omeprazole and probably could have purchased it at Kaiser but didn't read the paper work until I got home. It is now 10 past 8 pm and I think I need to drive to the store. I don't like riding my bike on main streets or at dusk that much. I need to get some of this and some of that. I think I should get something for dinner. Life, what a long strange trip its been....
On another note my pal Dan had a big cortisone shot in his hip today with the big needle. I have my own little medical episode to report on too.
I have been feeling this discomfort in my chest for about 3 weeks. Actually, I don't know exactly how long its been, but for some time. So the other day I got call from work about my health insurance that is a 10 month policy, but I worked 80 hours in July, so they wanted to know if I wanted to pay my part of the premium, about $35 for Aug. and I did. So back to my little chest pain. I looked on the web at the kp.org site to see if I could make an appointment etc. but determined I would just ride my bike the couple of miles or 3 down there and go to urgent care. When a 61 year old guy goes to a hospital and tells them he has been having chest discomfort for about 3 weeks, they busy fast. I have to keep reminding myself I am 61 and putting into a figure 61 helps me to realize I am talking about myself. One word, Gastritis!
That diagnosis came after I got all the tests. And they were quiet surprised when I told them I rode my bike to the hospital. I kept my sense of humor when they tried to find my veins for various needles using the nurse in training. I told when you put it in and if you miss, don't spend to much time hunting around in there or likely to get a black eye from my right hand! I told her I was not serious about the black eye, but serious about hunting. The full fledged nurse had to help out. She had x-ray eyes and found it without withdrawing it. They poked me 3 times with needles and the CT scan, whoa! Had my ECG taken and that was pretty good, but the doctor wanted to make sure and the CT scan was sci-fi all the way. Considering that I watched Blade Runner last night and some other sci-fi last night, well what do you expect?
They gave me about 300 years of radiation, that is 300 years of going out in the sun every day for that period of time is how the doctor described it. That means I've had about 500 years now of radiation along with my regular daily doses. This CT scan was different than the one I had 4 years ago. They put iodine into my veins 4 contrast so they could get a better idea about my heart the arteries. The iodine for all you folks that have not had it is like drinking really hot chocolate. They described it as feeling like wetting you pant, warm urine or something. I just think that description was from some folks who have a limited imagination. So, you drink this really hot chocolate, but it's not to hot. It warmed up my throat, I could feel it in my chest, warm from the inside out. My hands broke into a sweat, warm, like sitting in a hot tub, every part of my body lit up like the 4th of July for about 10 seconds and they did it 2 times. They shot me without it one time for a normal scan. I asked the tech and she said that women have described it kind of like the hot flashes they get at the change of life. So, that was it. Spent about 3.5 hours in the hospital getting poked, prodded and scanned all the while on O2 which really didn't do anything other than keep me a little bit away, not like when I had carbon monoxide poisoning and they gave be big does of 02.
Reading the paper work they gave to me after I left the hospital, I see that I am supposed to be taking Omeprazole and probably could have purchased it at Kaiser but didn't read the paper work until I got home. It is now 10 past 8 pm and I think I need to drive to the store. I don't like riding my bike on main streets or at dusk that much. I need to get some of this and some of that. I think I should get something for dinner. Life, what a long strange trip its been....
Sunday, August 14, 2011
test, test this is a test!
I'm writing this because what I have been writing is showing up on my face book notes. i have nothing linking to face book at blogger or face book. If this publishes to my notes on face book I will still have to find out why and ask someone some pointed questions.
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