Although I know about good habits, it is really hard to change from self destructive habits to the good ones.

I was watching a news program a couple of weeks ago, thought it was 60 minutes, but was unable to find it at CBS. They interviewed a guy about my age who was not making enough money, who has medical needs beyond mine and was eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for breakfast and the comment made was down to this. I was offended because peanut butter and some kind of spread is one of my main stays for breakfast. A single side piece of toast, whole grain of course and I am good for my whole morning shift and then some. That guy eating P B and J is probably healthier now than if he was eating whatever he used to eat. Did I mention how much more satisfying a p b and j sandwich is than a cheese burger from a fast food place? Well, hands down the satisfaction of eating and tasting later the contents of that p b and j sandwich beats the heck out of a hamburger.

I'm a slow learner. I have been aware of good eating habits for decades, yet, my habits are lodged deep within. I did make some kind of new years resolution back in November 08, not liking the change of year Jan. 1, to much pressure. I have been attempting to kick my sugar habit, the one that keeps pinning me down and forcing me to eat sugar when I am uncomfortable about something, usually when I am starting to lose weight, which has always been one of my toughest goals in life.

I'm finding that I have to really pay attention, tough for someone locked into old behaviors much less the ADD that has influenced my whole life.

I have to think of alternatives. For instance, when sugar thoughts start bubbling up from deep inside I have to think of alternatives. Um, what would be a good substitute? What kind of food could I purchase and take home for some healthy eating? Often I think of it as an economic option. I don't have the funds for that kind of fix. It is a fix, a sugar addiction that is probably the strongest addictive behavior I've ever encountered and I've encountered a few.

So being really poor lately, it has been all over the map with the desire to "fix" my feelings with sugar.

The last big time I fixed with sugar was back in sept. 2001. I had been living healthier than ever when I was working at SFO/UAL. I had lost 40 lbs over about a year, by changing my diet and walking 20 minutes a day before work, briskly. I loved my job, but when they announced the layoffs I started back on the sugar, not thinking of the consequences. I never lost all of that weight again, but have been seriously working on it now for some time. The key is the sugar and the exercise. I can do it. I can do it with thinking clearly, feeling how I am feeling, noticing that my belt is once again on the last hole and I will punch a new one soon, noticing that my pants are getting baggier, that my leather jacket is fitting better and that my poor old knees are hurting less.

I'm going for it this time, thinking about what I want, keeping that goal in mind. It is a constant struggle, trying to achieve my goals.