My hopeless despair has changed to something

I posted an ad last night on Craigs list and got a response. Just that small effort has changed my hopeless despair to hopeful uncertainty.

I am calling the guy today.

I didn't sleep well last night waking up 2 hours before I usually do. Thank goodness for coffee and that it is Friday.

My mind woke up thinking of how I am going to manage my stuff and what it is going to be like, giving up my cat and living in my van.

Of course, that would be somewhat better. I could pay off my debt and save money. Of course, I would have to become a member of the JCC or someplace with a shower, eat a lot of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and cliff bars, occasionally getting some greens somewhere.


I can do whatever is necessary to survive and not hurt anyone in the process. I just get so darned disappointed that the society that I thought would take care of me has little real idea just how desperate many of us are.

Even my friends all 3 of them here in PDX don't knwo how close I am to a new lifestyle change. I tell people that I am really poor, but I suspect most of them don't really believe it. I believe it now! Even I was in denial about my situation. It is real to me now. Action is called for and I am taking it!

Beyond the bottom

I don't get it. I work hard, I contribute to society and I have nothing. Not only do I have nothing, but I am now indebted to my bank that has charged me an over draft fee of $33 and that is not the last of it. They will charge me another overdraft fee of $33 when my cell phone check tries to clear.

There is nothing like kicking those that are done and grinding your boot into their faces so that you can't see their pain. I don't know what I am going to do.

I work at a job part time that pays little money and I'm sinking. I owe the state, I owe my rent, I owe a student loan, I need to get to work, I, I I.

I'm to old for the service. I don't know what I can do. And if you think I should quit my on line connection, sorry, I am boot legging it. I can't afford one.

I don't even have a home to put into default. Winter isn't over, but it looks like I may have to give a months notice and move into my van with my cat and my dog. I'm going to craigs, post an add that says help me. I just don't know what to do. I have never been in this kind of situation since I have cleaned up from using drugs. It's been more than 22 years and my level of desperation is over the top.

Sometimes I just get over loaded and have little room for anything that is not ...

that is not either structured or I have done it many times. I had a bad morning in my bus made the decision not to chain up when other buses were. I have these drop down chains that work most of the time, but today they retracted when I turned something else on everything went haywire, my horn was honking, the anti theft system and my lights were flashing, cars were stopping in front of me, behind me, people were running up to my bus asking if they could help me and that wasn't so bad, but I had to explain what was happening to each and everyone of them.

and it was snowing and icy and cars were crashing. It was all to much. The mechanic came and assisted me putting my chains on, which I am completely capable of doing myself, except I was overloaded and the 4 kids I had on board were really asking me non stop questions and at one point I just told them to shut up. Later I apologized and one of them said, oh it's ok, people tell us to shut up all the time. that's as much as I can write about it. I have to walk my dog and go back to work. I did get my bus back to the garage, but their system for repairing our buses is not very efficient. I'll be surprised if I get my bus back today or if they dealt with all the issues I am having with it, since well. We have a book where we go over our systems before operating our buses and if there are any problems we are supposed to write them down. I was told they would be reviewed and addressed. Now there are 200 buses and there must be a huge back log, because non of my issues the very ones that occurred today have been repaired. I'm just FRUSTRATED working for so little and having more responsibility than should expected.

ON the way to the laundry mat...

Just a short note since I am on my way to the laundry. I wrote a short letter this morning to the Rosie Setzers office outlining my concerns with the Bus zones at PPS.

I wrote it because it is the next step after having presented my concerns to the company I work for and the PPS superintendent's office and being told to stop bringing this to their attention.

You know, we can only put up with so much bullshit. My bullshit meter is filled up after working for this outfit now almost two school years. And the school district is complacent in their enforcing or working with the city to prevent the abuses that occur at the school zones with the city. I've talked to, written letters and sent pictures of the bus zones. If they refuse to act, there is the PB, City Council transportation member who used to be the now mayor and the newspapers of course, but I hesitate to bring issues of this nature there.

The school district doesn't want to piss off the parents or students, but safety neglected does more than piss people off. An avoidable accident occurs and the blame finger starts pointing. If it has anything at all to do with a driver of a bus, we are are the biggest targets. Never mind that the school or the district or the company didn't follow their own rules, we are expendable as far as they are concerned. There are thousands of people waiting to take our places, hungry to work and if there is a reason, we will be gone and perhaps prosecuted as well.

Of course, that is just projecting one scenerio. There are many to consider.

Just the other day, Friday, one of the busiest days of the week, I saw a student all excited to be going somewhere that her ride a private vehicle double parked in the traffic lane when attempting to enter the car fell flat on the ground. Her friend was very concerned because the girl that fell wasn't getting up. At that time there was a double tanker gasoline truck behind them that was tired of waiting and he crossed the double yellow line at an intersection with a crosswalk to pass the car. What are these people thinking? Everyone of the vehicles at that intersection was violating one traffic law or another.

The school district thinks their traffic plan is ok and I disagree. With my email and picture to the PB I am attempting to bring serious issues to someone who has the authority to take some action. I'm just hoping they send out an unmarked car to sit across the street to observe for a couple of days to decide if my issues have validity. If I'm concerned, there must be others. Here is just one of several trucks pulling onto NW Salmon at the bus loading zone because they can't drive through the tunnel on 26 west bound because of a fire danger, so they drive by the school to drive over the hill the tunnel goes through in order to get to the other side and apparently this is the most drivable route. Of course, one might think that 1000 or so of Portland's high school students don't deserve the same considerations as people driving through a tunnel, but I certainly think there is grave concern.

This is to wierd

I just made my morning coffee and opened the fridg and the half and half is not there. It is not anywhere in my apartment, I've looked. I just purchased it day before yesterday and used it for maybe 4 cups of coffee and put it back in the fridg yesterday. I even looked in the recycle and the carton before that is there, but no trace of the most recent one.

I am completely baffled. The only thing that is different is the maintenance guy was here. I can't imagine that he went to my refrigerator and took my half and half.

But what happened to it? I didn't finish it and it is no where to be found. It is circumstances like this that make me think I am slipping off the edge of reality.

besides that, my coffee doesn't have the same taste with whole milk. Maybe it is a signal from the posers that be I need to not add half and half to my coffee.

Although I know about good habits, it is really hard to change from self destructive habits to the good ones.

I was watching a news program a couple of weeks ago, thought it was 60 minutes, but was unable to find it at CBS. They interviewed a guy about my age who was not making enough money, who has medical needs beyond mine and was eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for breakfast and the comment made was down to this. I was offended because peanut butter and some kind of spread is one of my main stays for breakfast. A single side piece of toast, whole grain of course and I am good for my whole morning shift and then some. That guy eating P B and J is probably healthier now than if he was eating whatever he used to eat. Did I mention how much more satisfying a p b and j sandwich is than a cheese burger from a fast food place? Well, hands down the satisfaction of eating and tasting later the contents of that p b and j sandwich beats the heck out of a hamburger.

I'm a slow learner. I have been aware of good eating habits for decades, yet, my habits are lodged deep within. I did make some kind of new years resolution back in November 08, not liking the change of year Jan. 1, to much pressure. I have been attempting to kick my sugar habit, the one that keeps pinning me down and forcing me to eat sugar when I am uncomfortable about something, usually when I am starting to lose weight, which has always been one of my toughest goals in life.

I'm finding that I have to really pay attention, tough for someone locked into old behaviors much less the ADD that has influenced my whole life.

I have to think of alternatives. For instance, when sugar thoughts start bubbling up from deep inside I have to think of alternatives. Um, what would be a good substitute? What kind of food could I purchase and take home for some healthy eating? Often I think of it as an economic option. I don't have the funds for that kind of fix. It is a fix, a sugar addiction that is probably the strongest addictive behavior I've ever encountered and I've encountered a few.

So being really poor lately, it has been all over the map with the desire to "fix" my feelings with sugar.

The last big time I fixed with sugar was back in sept. 2001. I had been living healthier than ever when I was working at SFO/UAL. I had lost 40 lbs over about a year, by changing my diet and walking 20 minutes a day before work, briskly. I loved my job, but when they announced the layoffs I started back on the sugar, not thinking of the consequences. I never lost all of that weight again, but have been seriously working on it now for some time. The key is the sugar and the exercise. I can do it. I can do it with thinking clearly, feeling how I am feeling, noticing that my belt is once again on the last hole and I will punch a new one soon, noticing that my pants are getting baggier, that my leather jacket is fitting better and that my poor old knees are hurting less.

I'm going for it this time, thinking about what I want, keeping that goal in mind. It is a constant struggle, trying to achieve my goals.

I'm full of ideas, some good, some bad...

Hey we need a stimulus package for the country. Why don't we get into the coffee business? We could seek out all those organic fair trade coffee cooperatives and purchase bulk coffee from them and then roast it and sell it and make lots of money. We could put people in this country to work, constracting buildings to roast the coffee in, people to work producing coffee roasters, we could put people to work fixing the highways to the roasters, people to work driving trucks bringing the beans, people to work packaging the coffee. It would be win win deal.

I've been getting pretty thread bare lately and my coffee consumption has changed. I am now brewing a pot and cooking a real breakfast/brunch/lunch after my first shift at work. I will likely drink another cup of coffee this morning. I went to trader joes and purchased 1/2 & 1/2 and thought the price was cheap. It was, I didn't discover until I got home, opened the container and realized it was not the usual organic.

I also purchased Tofu to go along with my potatoes and whatever else. Yeah, have you ever noticed that all good meat dishes have some kind of vegetable as a compliment? Well, I don't have the meat, just all the compliments, or at least those that I can afford. I'm going to have a great meal, mmm. Got to get back to it.