I am thinking I need to come back here and produce something, yet, I am producing plenty in other places mostly not here, but other places working on projects. I had a clarivoyant reading last Sunday that seemed to tie all of it together, helped me to achieve a new level of grounding and feel like the path I am following is the right one.
I suspect that I can write about the person who contacted me from my past in the end of Feb. in what seemed like a sudden rush of energy. Our combined energy was more than we felt was just us, meaning that there was some spirit involved. I know how I felt and still feel. It has been my quest for many years to turn from what I think I feel to how I actually feel. Kind of thinking with my heart as I call it. Our first contact was like an explosion of energy, very powerful. It certainly seemed to come from love. Defining the love though was tough since I only had my past experiences to rely on. And red flags, none were acknowledged, although plenty of them were flying within my sight! With that said, of course it was no wonder that I thought I was in love. She expressed similar feelings and so we ran with all the feelings surrounding that expression. It was as I said, explosive and at some point she told me she felt weird. That was after I went to her town and stayed with her a week. That was not without problems, my health. BPH, and my not treating it and going to the emergency room for treatment, once while in her town and once while out on the road returning home. Painful and scary!
When I got home we continued our verbal and email pursuit of our love, but shortly after she told me the weird feeling, she revealed something else and that changed the course of what I thought might be true love. While distances apart she told me we couldn't be sexual anymore meaning all of our bantering about touching etc. was going to stop. I adjusted my thinking to a different course using a compass and it's 360 degrees as an analogy of where we could take our energy levels and how to apply them on a friendship level. I am not sure how she felt about that, though she did tell me that most people who are involved and someone says that they can't be sexual any more ends the relationship, it occurred to me at some point that maybe that is what she intended. I never really got around to digging into or exploring all of that. I told myself that I was going to do it all differently and since she was the one who was leading on this, I had to make some difficult choices. I was not over the energy of this at all. (I am not over the energy that I feel was given to me as a gift from the moment she contacted me either, although I have adjusted to it.
My belief is that the energy is something we are all given long before we actually know or can define it and at some point in our short lives it gets a fine tuning and our awareness is adjusted so that we can better use it along our journey. ) So, I suppose that the clincher for her came when she became involved with another lover. I sensed something about a week before she told me which was on a thursday or friday. This was a blow to me and I expressed what I felt as to her taking another lover before we could review what we had gone through. She told me we made no promises about this, which seemed a cold reality, harsh and blunt. On the following monday she called me and her voice was very horse. My feeling is it must have been a mistake, that she had intended to call her current lover, but somehow she got me. She also got a response from me that was rather rude but it was not intended to be, but turned into the clincher for her to completely disconnect from me, to inform me about a week later that she was now fearful of me and that I should seek professional counseling. Wow, and of course back to 12 step programs regularly. She was prescribing what she felt I needed to get back on track.
For weeks I processed my feelings, writing and sending her emails hoping that we could find some common ground, but to no avail. Even at our geographical distance she did not want to engage. It is understandable, another new relationship that she wanted to forget about the bad feelings I had dredged up and focus on the good feelings with her new endeavor. I did have that one slip of the tongue and apologized for it on at least 2 occasions to her and she accepted. I am now weeks away from communicating with her, having had my reading which let me realign my feelings to a base of strength, back into my heart of hearts and there are alive and well. I told myself I would stay away from trying to figure it out, from any negativity since that would just drag against my heart and not do anyone any good. I also know that she has been hurt more than many human beings in the past and it is not my intention to contribute to that. She is very dear. My feeling is that if I stay on my path all will be within my grasp to handle with the grace given to me by spirits or the creator of us all or perhaps our combined positiveness that is where we are. Yes, I had to write this here, because I have written many words about my feelings and of course this is long winded. I have my own other journals etc. but I'm sure that it is all part of a process of healing and growing.