Sunday, October 28, 2012

trying to get the full and complete picture or the whole ball of wax!

 It is Sunday morning and I have been listening to and viewing You Tube video's from Carl Perkins 25 year reunion with friends to Johnny Cash that was shown on BBC 2004, wow!

What do I have in common with musicians other than being human beings and having a set number of days from birth to death. I look at where I have been in confusion all my life, up to and including now. The past was always confusion and I had no idea really of the complete picture. I had glimpses of being 70 years old and flashing back and forth from then to the past in my 20's. I often felt I was telling someone the story of my life and my reality was 70 and the past was like a dream. My past was a dream and a nightmare.

I struggled just like many young people struggle and I didn't find the key to the complete picture until I stepped into the idea that I could get an idea and follow it. The idea was to appreciate what I have now and how to be grateful, to turn away from the negative impulses I had been living with for so long. Each of us must find balance and it takes some of us longer than others, that's for sure. I am still out of balance but a lot closer to feeling equal with all part of my personality and parts of my life. I am still living in confusion and chaos, because it just doesn't go away. I have learned I can take other actions than the out of balance ones.

I don't warm up to everyone and they don't warm up to me, but I am still pursuing the notion that I was taught long ago by my parents, not to judge a book by it's cover. I am doing that by pushing against the expected societal norms with the initial actions that I used long, long ago. I am growing my hair, now for a little over 3 years, from a very short buzz cut to now much longer. I was imagining growing it for 5 years. Often in the past someone would say something to me and I would get pissed off. Someone would say you are a throw back to the past with that long hair and I would resort to self destructive behavior and cut my hair thinking I would show them, but that would only affect me deeply. That impulsive behavior was often my down fall.

I have learned now after driving a school bus for 5 + years to temper my impulsive nature a little. I have been learning through this important driving that which is associated with getting some patience. I believe that patience is a quality that is talked about in our society, but is not given that much weight. We are living and have been living in a society that tells us quick, quick, hurry up and you can have it now. It is a societal norm, but a false image that has lead many of us down the wrong path. It has taken me a long time to figure out what I want to do with my life. It has taken me many inventories and assessments of what have I done the most of in my life. The answer has been to write. I have done writing the most of anything. I discovered this a couple of years ago, but have not been able to organize my writing to any great extent. I was thinking this morning again what I need more to do is transcribe my past writings and put them into the electronic media and go from there. This is almost more of my journal of what I want to do, but it is all connected.

All of this is  part of my inability to stay focused on my own time. That time without the structure of a project that has an important role in my life. I am planning a large project, but have some smaller ones that have lost my attention and I need to get back on track. And so it goes. I am nearing that time when I may live to 70 years of age. Just 8 years away and what will I have accomplished? That is a question many of us ask ourselves as we come closer to the ends of our lives than the beginnings.