Feb. 8, 2016
My rebellion started long ago. It is now obsolete. No one cares that I have long hair, no one really has to deal with it besides me. There are much younger people at my work who have colored hair, mohawks, shaved on one side, long on the other. My battle over hair is over. Employers, schools now know that hair is not an issue that they care about. They still care about some of the same things, behavior, lack of funding, how can they teach those who can't sit still. I am nearly obsolete as well, not just my rebellions. I continue to fight against the system, but it has grown to big. I continue to stumble around with no apparent anchor. No foundation that keeps me stable, that I base my life on. In March of 2020 this is not exactly true for me now or was it then. I do have a foundation of truth, honor, justice, empathy and compassion.
Sometimes I am afraid, afraid of what I am doing, how I can accomplish my goal. Afraid of not accomplishing, afraid of succeeding. I am alone and when I accomplish my goal will again be alone. I intend to visit folks, but I will still be alone. I have been ok with myself and being alone, I have been ok with myself for all this time, since about 1984 when the big change came. I have been alone with myself for a long long time.
Watching the movie Kidnapping Mr. Heineken with Anthony Hopkins as Mr. Heineken.
I am just hanging around waiting it seems to go back to work. I should be engaged with going to the outdoors, to the woods but I am holed up. Holed up in my place and watching a movie that is rather dramatic. A dramatic movie. Desperation, is following the kidnappers, desperation. Got all the money, but isolated. Got little money and isolated I am. I am isolated because I chose to be, I guess. Something is really wrong, it is to quite, the movie that is. Not trying to scare anyone here especially myself.
One of Sir Anthony Hopkins lines as Freddy Heineken's in the movie was there are two ways a man can be rich: he can have a lot of money or he can have a lot of friends, but he can't have both. Hmm, food for thought. I have neither a lot of friends or a lot of money. I have neither. That is not true either here in April 2020. I have many good friends, good people like me. I have people who are concerned about my health, people who call me, people who ask for advice important moral questions. I have many friends. Why would I say I don't have many, I am a social person, perhaps because I still trying to avoid something that is difficult in my life. This is how it is with me, time traveling, it is what I do, jump around a lot, only metaphorically though. The jumping is in my mind. I am not physically jumping.
Comeback to this in March 23, 2020
I don't have a lot of money, I have enough and a little more, but I have a lot of friends who have stepped into my life to make sure I am ok. I am ok, will weather this better than some of the people I know who can't live without employment. I have already set my life up for retirement and living without working. Before 1984 if I got uncomfortable, I would just disappear, a big mistake on my part. I left two different women that I found out later I was in love with them, each at separate times. I am discovering rather harshly that reality is a cruel companion at times. I regret my mistakes before 1984 and my own isolation is necessary.
I have made up for a lot of my past. I became a school bus operator and really came to appreciate what the job entails. It is about building relationships and then as the children mature and move on we have to recover from that. But there are more children, more parents, more teachers, more administrators. Newer bosses. Changing partners.
No job that I have ever had has affected me so deeply and with more satisfaction than keeping children safe on a moving school bus. Oh yep, I know that I wrote once it was the worst job I ever had, it is the hardest, but certainly not the worst. It is a rewarding job, but there is a lot of BS and a lot of misunderstanding by the public and the whole education system for the job we do and the cooperation we are asking for and not usually getting it.
I wrote an article once for a magazine, PDX Parent about school bus safety and of course, I got a rejection notice. I was surprised and disappointed. A magazine that catered to parents and they said they have in-house writers thank for your submission. It was just a passing thought. Have sights somewhere about that my career there is just a hapter in my ling blogging, that I may who knows, go into a book but it would certainly have to be self published.
There are words I have had in my head for decades and whose definitions I must have got confused long ago because as I look them up, totally not what I thought they meant. Wow! This is just me, how I go about things when I am in my own time line, if I don't have to do anything for anyone else.
