Sunday, November 11, 2012

This might just be to personal, but so what?

I'm sure I've been in love in the past. In the not to distant past as well.  I've never known how to qualify love, having not understood exactly what it was. One of the age old questions is how to define love. Those who are in love, fallen or grown into it don't seem to find the need to have it defined. Those of us who are or may not  have been and lost it seem to keep seeking it out perhaps. Some of us don't.

Some of us just remain isolated not know that the love has always been in our hearts. It was put there before we were born. Being born is a shocking experience for many of us and we lose track for a while. Some of us grow up into households that don't know about love and ours is pushed way down. Some of us are nurtured and we know what love is.

Sharing love is the tough part I believe.  I am sure I was in love in my 20's with a woman  who shall remain anonymous. At least, I thought it was love. But how could it have been, when she just thought of me as a friend. I was infatuated for sure. I remember calling out her name when I thought I was going to die the second time.

I made a vow when I was 12 to never get married and have children and kept true to that vow. Maybe I cursed myself and that is part of why I never did. I never felt responsible enough to barely care for myself, let alone another person or two. I have always felt immature and as though my peers were growing up and I was still 12 years old, except my body was aging, but my mind didn't feel older. When I was around people my age or a little older, I had no confidence and that really was part of the problem, then the lack of focus was a huge issue and it was compounded by drinking. But the worst part was my confusion and chaos that circulated in my head.

My mind is still giving me that same old story, but it has aged, now it is thinking like I should have been thinking at 32. I am 62 and here is what I wrote about that the other day on a napkin no less:

It is obvious to others from my grey beard, wrinkles and age spots, I am an old guy. It only became obvious to me when I turned 60 &  2. Years later and still resisting age in my mind. This is probably something we all experience. I am no different in that respect. Of course, who can say what my chances of companionship are, because that is really all I am after for the most part. I am not really looking for it. My thing is to become infatuated with someone who is not available either by distance or emotionally or something. Infatuation, imagination something else we all share. And can someone at my age actually find a person who is attractive to more than my retirement account? That is an issue. Can we just be friends, without fear of becoming to close or to distant? Can we let the guard that surrounds our hearts down a little to actually take a risk.

You see my 32 year old brain doesn't really look closely at me and when I go shopping for instance and  a young woman smiles at me, it is my 32 year old who is flattered and I am now learning that she could be smiling because I am an aging old guy who might have once been 32 but I am not going to ask her out or for her phone #. That happened yesterday and I discussed it with my male friend who was shopping with me. I said she could have been smiling for the stated previous reasons and because she saw my long hair and that I was with someone that I am not just a boring old guy, but one who has been pushing against the system for longer than she has been on the planet. I am not interested in a woman who is half my age. I have nothing to prove nor the retirement account to put on a flashy front. I am just a guy who never figured out until the last 20 or so years what my relationship with the rest of the world is supposed to be like.

This is actually something I wrote to a woman I was dating back in 2001

(I met this woman through on line dating service. We dated, that is to say, we had phone conversations, met for dinners and had conversations. That is as far as it went. We would meet in Petaluma which was about 1/2 the way between where we both lived. I think we stopped because of the distance.)

Woman of the universe, strong, vibrant, full of energy and love. You are a scintillating star. I've been attracted by your energy. I can feel the heat that emanates from the burning fires in your heart, the center of your essence. I have been traveling for eons through the vastness of space, cool crystals of frozen water, a shooting star, explosive with a twinkling brilliance. I gather my energy from the surrounding space. In this time and existence, I hope we can both grow in strength and spirit and benefit from the knowing existence of each other.

11-09-2012 (My Sister's 54th Birthday)

This is not about my sister MCC though, just random ideas, thoughts and it happens to be today, her birthday.

Probably a few months ago I said I was going to stop washing my hair with shampoo or perhaps not washing it altogether. Well, I have been washing it with water only and then once in a while, when it feels right, use conditioner on it. It is working out well. I mean, why use shampoo that strips ones hair of all it's natural qualities generated by our bodies that are better balanced to handle our hair issues?

I was thinking about what our relatives of not so long ago and how they washed their hair without all the modern marvels that are now available to us through consumerism and advertising by those who are pulling on our strings? How indeed? Some of the daily chores of being a human are likely lost to those of us who are walking similar paths. There are plenty of lessons I did not hear or ask questions about when growing up. Plenty of practical questions that went unasked and unanswered!

That was short, I have just revisited and reread it. Can't add much more should send it on it's way into cyber-publication. Today is 11/11/12