Sunday, October 21, 2012

I will admit here some of my true feelings...and what I am working on with my personality etc..

Feelings are just to personal to admit many of them to unknown people who might be reading my blogging. Although I admit to having feelings, I don't want to say to much about the ones I have. I am trying to find words to admit to my feelings of wanting companionship. I get crushes on different women, but the problem with those crushes is who I get crushes on. Usually women who are unavailable in one form or another. And this I see as a pattern of behavior on my part. It is either women who are unavailable or women who I thought I could influence to change just a little to better suit me. This is one of my oldest issues I think and spitting it out here, might help me with it.

I identified it many years ago, but allowed other distractions to keep me plodding along that same path of dysfunction. It is dysfunction to imagine finding a partner which is to good to be true etc. For instance I moved to Portland after having looked up an ex-girlfriend from the past and reconnecting with her. I thought we could take a stab at becoming friends since our relationship in the past was very physical and short lived, but it didn't work out for various reasons which I am not going to go into. It was as much my issues as it was hers. I will only take about 50% of the blame for that. And that is growth because I used to say break ups were all my fault having a guilt/martyr personality brought on by years of abuse by others and self abuse with drugs including alcohol.

Having crushes on people is not necessarily a bad thing. It is what we do with them that makes it or breaks it so to speak. I had a crush on a woman who has actually been one of my long time friends. She told me so long ago that she wasn't looking to date me when I had misread that about her.

It is tough being a loner and I have been one most of my life. I have had some relationships, some good some not so good. I am not out there trying to find any more from the past, although, one woman contacted me a couple of years ago and broke my heart pretty badly. It took me about 2 years to figure out what really happened and all the while not blaming either of us for what took place. My feelings around that have changed. My feelings are that she was revisiting me because we had known each other 20 odd years about and been attracted, and I made an impression on her but she was in a relationship at the time and couldn't pursue me. And my theory is 20 years later, she is developing another relationship with someone else and it looks like they are going to be life long partners and she wants to see what it would have been life with me before following through with the other person. I am thinking I was like her little fling before her marriage kind of deal. And that's about what it was. She completely fooled me into deluded thinking by taking advantage of her knowledge of human nature of men and I saw red flags and ignored them.  This is all my own conjecture because she would never talk to me about it. She dropped me like a hot rock into a cold pond and the shock! I struggled with my own strong feelings for that that two years.

I am now healed, but also know of my desires and have to watch out for how I feel. Guarded. This is what happens to many of us who have been hurt. But they say, that we must risk all for love and be willing to and know that balance is always going to take place. The greatest of loves often brings us to the greatest of pain. We can endure it and learn from it to as I have. I have learned a lot more, but I still get crushes. I am writing about them now because I wish not to act on another crush with anyone who is not willing to be honest about their feelings too. I am trying to curb my actions about chasing unavailable women with my writing of this. It is primarily for me, but exposing it to whomever is somewhat cathartic for me and really enhances my belief that I can not act on feelings I might have in the form of crushes.

Finally,  i am distracted regularly. But it is not by relationships or crushes, it is because of who I am and how I think. I was tested for this because it was a problem for me when I was working on airplanes back then 10 years ago. However, I do want to mention there has been woman who I met about 2.5 years ago in front of the house in N. Portland who I got to talking with back then. I got her phone number and called her a couple of times and she was interested in doing anything on a social thing. Then about a year ago, she friended me or I her on Face book. That was all Ok, but she didn't post much, but looked at my pages regularly. Then when I had my accident in Dec. of last year, she was right there, giving me a ride out of nowhere it seemed and was offering to take me places. When I took the ride from her, I had my whole right leg in a plastic splint and leaned over towards her and made a Jeffrey comment such as "uh oh, got to put my head in your lap to get in the truck" and that just freaked her out, thought she was going to leave me there in the rain! I tried to say I was just kidding around. She was fragile and because of it somewhat skittish. That was a red flag for me and I didn't call her for any rides even though she offered. I kept to myself because she kind of freaked me out. We texted and sent messages on FaceBook but that was the extent of it for months, but at some point I figured out she was not healthy and I needed to let it go. In late Aug. after not contacting her at all she called me on the phone and asked to borrow $50.00 because she had an issue and screwed it up. I said that she probably could use $100 and arranged to loan it to her for a week. We met in NE Portland and she was exclaiming how she had a revelation when her cat died. She was dressed up all in a skirt and tank top which was completely different from anything I'd ever seen her wear. We had tea not far from her apartment and then she invited me over and inside and was very hospitable. I gave her the money and she was talking about having me over more etc. I was thinking something isn't right here. I told her I knew she was busy and left, but not before she had suggested giving me a key, which really threw up flags and suggesting I come over when she wasn't there etc. She also told me some other things and I left thinking well maybe she has changed or she has split personality disorder. That is more likely the case. I have been with someone who has split personality disorder and this person was acting close to that other person so long ago. The week went by with her texting me from work etc. She had already in the past told me not to text her at work, but she was initiating it and so I did. Finally, about 1 day before she was to pay me back, she texted me and said she was upset with me for violating her space at work by texting her. When we agreed to meet, I set it up for a park and she brought me the money and I asked her if she was throwing me under the bus and she exclaimed I had been doing just that to her all week. And she told me how upset she was, how she had been abused enough by others and was not taking it from me, gave a hug and left. Holy Shit! The bomb went off and I knew, I was not going to make an effort to contact her again ever. I deleted her phone # from my phone and any record of it. I then unfriended her on Face Book. It took about a month before she contacted me having noticed she couldn't read my pages anymore asked me if I unfriended her on face book as though nothing had happened before. I wrote her back and said yes and said even though we had both tried to establish a friendship, it was not working.

I told her we are both good people but being friends with her was not going to happen. I think I handled it pretty well and that is likely what lead me to write all this because I finally making sense of my life after living for 62 years. I still can't believe it! 62, bouncing between that age and probably about 32 in my head and heart. Much of what I thought aging was about  didn't really start to gel until this year. Aging and age are not as important as some other aspects of being human. So, crushes on women, I probably still get them but my age and experiences are starting to weigh in on how I act around them.