Sunday, November 29, 2015

Where we landed in the future

We are in the future having traveled here from the past. We have lived or survived to be here now. Often being in the present is so sought after by others, but I am here now having attatined my position since the last entry. Why do I care? Why does it bother some that they want to hurry up so they can relax. Get out of my way, I am in a hurry to relax!

Just sit down and breath. It is November 29, 2015 and distant from the last entry. I have been writing elsewhere, here, but not on this blog. Here as in this iPad, on pages. I have also decided to stop reading periodicals because they interfer with my writing. I intend to publish and will be sending out copies soon so that I can receive polite or not so polite rejections of my writing until I find an outlet for my musings. Mostly about injustices of the school bus driver and how we are treated and encouraged to engage ourselves in a toxic environment and given lip service about how important our  service is and denegrated when we consider withholding our service. How is it my fault the employers can not attract enough qualified people to do the job that I do? Try the pay is low and the stress is high. If it isn't the children, it is the other drivers on the road.

This job now that I am back to work has consumed my life. This job takes a lot more energy than we are told it will take. Only now for some of us has it sunk in. I have done this job  since 2007 with an extended break from May 2014 to Feb. 2015 from a misunderstanding with my location manager about my actions and how he thought it wise to terminate my employment. Through negotiations and implied threats from government agencies I got my job back with some retroactive pay. I had to sign a return to work agreement and it has some unreasonable requirements that I have been told to violate without the termination promised in the document. It is just part of the most rediculous con traditions of this job. I have been willfully violating my return to work agreement with the express understanding that deviation from route or rerouting is expected of a driver if there are issues with the route. In other words we must drive in a safe manner that most effectively delivers our charges to their designated pick up and drop off locations avoiding traffic stalls and blocked passages. We must not call these deviations/rerouting in but I document them in a notebook just incase I am questioned about them. I will try and make more entries here in the coming year having missed so much time in the last one. Of course, I keep a journal and the essay I am working on takes up  much of my energy that is left over after my job sucks up all of it.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Too many too's

too many distractions.... too many papers.... too many lists....too much clutter.... too many action items.... to many minutes waking up.... too many thoughts.... too much disorganization.... too few days left in summer.... too many stories to tell.....too many expectations.... too much stress.... too many feelings....too few storage spaces.... too many unfinished projects.... too much lethargy..... too many gaps in memory.... too many days that passed I don't recollect.... too many pennies piling up in stores....too many pennies ending up in the landfill....too much inflation....too many low wage jobs.... too many angry people.... too many people being bad....too many deniers.... too little change.... too many people killing.... too much government gridlock....too many dead beat elected representatives.... too many people wasting.... too much wasted food.... too much water wasted....too much wasted fuel.... too much ignorance....too much war for oil....too much war for greed....too much war for lies.... too much war for peace....too many dead from war....too many dead from "peace".... too much too much.... too much infinity.... too much expanding universe....too many stars....too much rain.... too much sun.... too much wind....too much cold....too many cigarette smokers....too few exercising.... too many complaining.... too many situations we lack influence.... too many unanswered questions....too many patterns....too many fossil fuel users.... to many pit mines too many strip mines....too many dead miners.... too many oil wells....too many dead oil workers.... too many people starving, too many people sick, too many people unevenly distributed on this planet.... too many leaky faucets....too many dollar stores....too few decent wages.... too many liars....too many too's to list!

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

I am going back to the future or how I am validating my feelings of the past with the present...

I may have mentioned growing my hair since July 2009, the last time I buzzed my hair to the scalp. I am in the 5th year of growing it. When I was much younger I never grew it this long. They wouldn't permit it. They got upset and oppressed me when by hair touched my collar. My parents didn't care, it was the public school system I was an indentured slave to.

My first opposition to authority came in the 6th grade when I learned the power of Fuck You when said to an adult's face. When an adult, our PE teacher who happened to be a former US Marine wanted 3 of us who palled around together to do laps or some nonsense because he didn't like us and needed to show us who was boss. We almost to a boy at the same time told him Fuck You! And then we ran and we out ran this guy. Of course, we got caught when we went back to school the next day or was it when they called our homes and spoke with our parents and beat because that was what our fathers did for punishment in those days. We were also forbidden to hang together any longer. That wasn't that hard for me and eventually I found new friends to hang with. Hanging out with different people over time was my m/o. I would form friendships and loose them just as easily. I have no friendships left from elementary school, no one I kept in touch with. I didn't even keep them around as I changed schools etc. That is the nature of some of our relationships from the past. I am discovering finally that it is ok to let go of friendships because as we mature our likes and values often change and what we like to do and who we like to do it with changes. I am finally Ok with that, finally!

I started writing this near to the beginning of the year and it is now past the middle of the year. It is Ok, as I have been busy with all kinds of adventures. As I often say, " I am consistently inconsistent" Of course that doesn't mean I am unreliable. I have almost always been reliable and consistent to get to work for instance. I have made punctuality an obsession. I have been punctual when I was going to work and later to school in my early and late 40's. Who knows if I am done with school? I don't know that far into the future.

My hair is still growing and I was frustrated with it yesterday and considered cutting it, but didn't.  This is actually the first time in my life I have felt comfortable with whatever my characteristics and outwardly appearance happens to be... Took all this time to be accepting of myself, without having doubt if I am doing the right thing or not. I was terminated from my 6.5 year job of driving school buses and a darned stressful job at that. I am ready to leave it behind. I wasn't at first, but doors opening and doors closing well, got that backwards but you know. One closes and a new one opens, perhaps something that has opened before and maybe it is time to once again go there. Or even some that I have never done will beckon to me. I know they are.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

I am surprisingly tired and I didn't do anything to warrant it!

I am drowsy, having driven up into the Columbia River Gorge this afternoon, getting out to take various photo's. I am listening to the listener picks from one of the local commercial radio stations, thinking about what I am going to get for dinner. I am changing my eating habits as my 1 and only New Years resolution. Change the way I eat and everything else will change appropriately along the way.

On the news on TV which is on mute, San Antonio Texas, Porta Potties catch fire! Big news story of 2014.

Maybe I am down realizing I will be going back to work in several days. I was so relaxed not working for over a week. Wow, and now I guess I am gearing up for the coming next rush of working. 12 weeks of work until Spring Break. Ugh! Of course we will have various days off along the way. 47 working days until a week off in March. Then we go another 2.5 months until summer break. All of this will likely go more quickly than I like. As I age, will be 64 this year, Yikes! Got to find someone who will still love me at that age. That's not really a high priority. Not a likely to happen though since I am not well to do. It is only well to do men it seems that get partners at my age. I think they must have a lot of bank accounts. I don't back so those don't count as assets for me.

I'm wandering. I will have to start walking more. The TV news says it makes a big difference and I know from the past it is true. I am just so used to doing nothing. A family tradition, sitting still reading or what I am doing, playing on the computer. Tomorrow I will not drive anywhere, but walk to destinations. Actually, I don't like to drive around that much since I am still driving a school bus during the school year. Driving my car around town is not as safe as driving my bus. Got to go now, maybe a nap. The other thing I am going to try and do is come here and write more. Not just this crap either. Something real, such as in my other blog which contains it seems better content.

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

My life is a balancing act

There is a person I want to contact and the shadow of proper is hanging over my head telling me it would be improper for me to use a business phone number for a personal contact.

My own values may not be the same as the societal values and hence the conflict. I know all of us must consider the societal values because they are standards we can all agree are there for each and every one of us, almost.

I have to look at what I am intending. I am intending to ask this person if they would like to meet for a cup of tea or something similar, because I am curious about this person. I also know my limitations and whether this person would consider it inappropriate and I don't want t make a bad impression.

You would have to read my other blog to know what that means to me. I am not going into it here.

So, as I have found in the past, putting down my thoughts and feelings to words that I can read seems to relieve some of the pressure I feel. I just need to learn patience and wait until I see this person in person. There is time. Yet sometimes time seems to play tricks on me. My needs, my desires, my wants are not all the same and they don't always align with what I expect society has in mind.

Take a breath, do something else, time will pass quickly enough and I will be able to compose my thoughts and express them in person.      

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Family Traits

I inherited my mothers sensitivities. But instead of being angry at myself for being so sensitive, I had to learn first to not be sensitive and I did that with alcohol and other drugs. Did it that way for about 24 years. I did take some drugs in that period of time that showed me my sensitivities were a gift, but I didn't recognize the gift I was given. I continued long past healthy to try and quash my over sensitivity.

I failed, I was a wailing dolt and then the frustrations I stuffed became anger. I was an angry drunk and I was out of control. I was out of control for about 15 years and somehow survived that anger, the alcohol and the other drugs I put into my body. Finally, I started to have moments of clarity where I could see that my use of intoxicants was coming to an end. My addiction was hanging on and I couldn't quite kick it. It had been at the time, more than twice the age I started with.

Both of my parents had drinking problems as did I and my two sisters likely. They were able to let it go sooner than I did I think. We all share the sensitivities our mom had. And tonight, I am feeling them largely. I am having strong emotions and instead of trying to get rid of them, I just let them be what they are, a gift. I've had the gift for a long time and will probably have it till the day I die. I now realize the gift for what it is. It is a gift my parents gave me to help me get through with my moments.

As I listen to the water drip off the roof, the moments slow down and I can hear the beating of my heart. I am forever linked to my family by what I inherited from them, from those who came before them. I am grateful that I have lived to understand and accept my family traditions.

I have made an error in and not thought about my actions!

yes it is true, a mistake that only I will have to pay for. I bought a chocolate bar and while sampling it, ate the whole thing! Yes, between 8 and 9 pm. Not good, oh the chocolate was excellant. The eating at this late hour, not good. It was laden in caffeine and I will likely suffer consequences. Those will be a bit of insomnia and I can't really afford that, now can I.

Wait! No work tomorrow, just a little meeting at a decent hour. I will be able to read a little and then go to sleep. I have a method for getting to sleep and it works every time!