In my life, there are always to many words. I struggle to find the correct order to put the words, the words themselves and figuring out which words to use and where in my head they are hiding. Yes, the words are hiding. My selection process for finding the words is hindered by my own limitations. What are my limitations? Not much at all really, but an old way of adapting my hunter gatherer genes to sitting still and thinking, hoping to be able to see the consequences of my actions.
That was the start of this piece but by the end of my thoughts for the time being it has turned into time traveling. Whenever I dig into my thoughts I am transported to the past, the present and the future. It is because of how I feel, what I have felt and all other influences on my life. What I have seen, what I hope for, what I don't like and mostly what I feel and think about my own life. Words are my time machine and when I step out of those other thoughts and back into the present depending on how the thoughts and feelings have been transformed into words, fast or slow makes a difference in my expansion or shrinking of time.
Changing the way I take actions is what I am writing about here. I am saving money in my prime share so that I can purchase a used, new to me vehicle that will carry me into the future. Saving money the last ten years has been harder than any time in my life until just recently. The money I was being paid has just been enough to skim along the edge of poverty, occasionally dipping down and having to put off purchasing food or medicine so that I could have enough gas to get to work. Now I am saving my hard earned tax returns and adding what I think of as extra money to my prime share on pay days which are every two weeks. I still owe my sister money she lent me, that saved me when I had my two serious medical emergencies earlier this year and my dentist for the partial dentures that I now possess, allowing me to once again chew my food the way my parents instructed me so long ago, thoroughly.
My dental insurance company said my absence of teeth was a pre-exisiting condition and they were not going to pay for the 6 artificial teeth that I now put in and take out of my mouth. Now I am paying the full amount over a thousand dollars instead of half that. I am still falling into the statistical averages of people who have encountered the side of insurance companies we who believe in single payer are fighting so hard against, the middleman waste of our money to fat cats who want to take our money without working for it. That is a small distraction, thoughts about situations that I have little control over.
So, back to saving and words to describe it. It is delayed gratification and I suspect I am doing it because I know it is the way to freedom from aspects of our society that gets in the way of my acquiring what material items I need to meet my needs and follow my dreams. When I acquire my home on wheels I will like many home owners invest money into my home which when I get it, will need materials such as insulation, windows, appliances, etc. I intend to attain these things to make my mobile home a home for me.
My dream of a mobile home is not that of a manufactured RV. My dream is of a stealth step van that I outfit with gear on the inside that will make it livable and to let it remain a work truck on the outside so that I may park around towns and country sides looking in all the world like the water department or the some other service company. I have read many ads for such a vehicle and have come across someone else who has expressed the same dream and is now living in a step van.
Ah, this is an interesting change in the blogger website, the ability to publish and then come back and up date without having to jump to other actions. I like it. I left, made breakfast, did some other chores and am back to finish some of the thoughts I was working on.
It seems I have to often resist in some way what our society has been feeding on. That is the wholesale marketing of our institutions. Marketing in my opinion is what companies do that is not quite as honest as one would want to believe. Who exactly determines what is best? Well a company selling a product expresses they have the best product. If one really wants to determine the best product or the best value for your buck one has to look further and get the opinion of Consumer Reports which does not allow themselves to be swayed by advertising. Only in this way can one get an opinion of a product that is unbiased it seems. Advertising and marketing firms are biased because they are getting their pay from the product owner and hence want to make that product successful. In order to do that they bend or stretch the truth or completely falsify what the product will do. Falsifying the truth is lying and lying is against what I was brought up on by my parents and others. The values I was taught growing up seem to have been diluted by the all mighty quest for the dollar.
This is what I rebel against. I have been growing my hair again now for almost 3 years. It will be 3 years in July, which was the last time I cut my hair nearly down to the scalp with my buzzer. July 2009 and then it was grow. Having long hair is one of the first non destructive ways I could rebel against the accepted norms when growing up. At that time my hair was touching the collar of my button shirt and it was unacceptable. Of course, I was already labeled the bad boy who wouldn't pay attention, who openly told teachers to FUCK OFF or FUCK YOU! The administrators of my schools would welcome me in a special session when I was entering middle and high school along with others to read me the laws governing behavior expectations of that institution and to make the point clear would give me and my co-conspirators free samples such as 40 whacks with the big paddle or a week of detention in the first week of high school without any evidence other than past behavior. It is no wonder I fight so against the norms of our society. So, growing my hair is a way of protesting, somewhat wearing my unwillingness to adhere to societal accepted norms. It is also somewhat of a reflection on my past happiness, that I was happier in parts of my past than I admitted later on. Of course, happiness is elusive in our society if we deem that it is acquired from material possessions or wealth from making the most money. Happiness comes from our hearts, following our hearts, at least in my case. I have found my happiness and it has not been easy. I've had tastes of happiness only to have it leave. It would always leave if I was getting my happiness from the outside. I now accept the happiness that is in my heart as being main happiness that I have been seeking. Being satisfied with myself, who I have been working on being and accepting myself unconditionally.
Just so, the end of my morning rant. Enjoy your life, pursue your dreams! Follow your heart!