This is to wierd

I just made my morning coffee and opened the fridg and the half and half is not there. It is not anywhere in my apartment, I've looked. I just purchased it day before yesterday and used it for maybe 4 cups of coffee and put it back in the fridg yesterday. I even looked in the recycle and the carton before that is there, but no trace of the most recent one.

I am completely baffled. The only thing that is different is the maintenance guy was here. I can't imagine that he went to my refrigerator and took my half and half.

But what happened to it? I didn't finish it and it is no where to be found. It is circumstances like this that make me think I am slipping off the edge of reality.

besides that, my coffee doesn't have the same taste with whole milk. Maybe it is a signal from the posers that be I need to not add half and half to my coffee.

Although I know about good habits, it is really hard to change from self destructive habits to the good ones.

I was watching a news program a couple of weeks ago, thought it was 60 minutes, but was unable to find it at CBS. They interviewed a guy about my age who was not making enough money, who has medical needs beyond mine and was eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for breakfast and the comment made was down to this. I was offended because peanut butter and some kind of spread is one of my main stays for breakfast. A single side piece of toast, whole grain of course and I am good for my whole morning shift and then some. That guy eating P B and J is probably healthier now than if he was eating whatever he used to eat. Did I mention how much more satisfying a p b and j sandwich is than a cheese burger from a fast food place? Well, hands down the satisfaction of eating and tasting later the contents of that p b and j sandwich beats the heck out of a hamburger.

I'm a slow learner. I have been aware of good eating habits for decades, yet, my habits are lodged deep within. I did make some kind of new years resolution back in November 08, not liking the change of year Jan. 1, to much pressure. I have been attempting to kick my sugar habit, the one that keeps pinning me down and forcing me to eat sugar when I am uncomfortable about something, usually when I am starting to lose weight, which has always been one of my toughest goals in life.

I'm finding that I have to really pay attention, tough for someone locked into old behaviors much less the ADD that has influenced my whole life.

I have to think of alternatives. For instance, when sugar thoughts start bubbling up from deep inside I have to think of alternatives. Um, what would be a good substitute? What kind of food could I purchase and take home for some healthy eating? Often I think of it as an economic option. I don't have the funds for that kind of fix. It is a fix, a sugar addiction that is probably the strongest addictive behavior I've ever encountered and I've encountered a few.

So being really poor lately, it has been all over the map with the desire to "fix" my feelings with sugar.

The last big time I fixed with sugar was back in sept. 2001. I had been living healthier than ever when I was working at SFO/UAL. I had lost 40 lbs over about a year, by changing my diet and walking 20 minutes a day before work, briskly. I loved my job, but when they announced the layoffs I started back on the sugar, not thinking of the consequences. I never lost all of that weight again, but have been seriously working on it now for some time. The key is the sugar and the exercise. I can do it. I can do it with thinking clearly, feeling how I am feeling, noticing that my belt is once again on the last hole and I will punch a new one soon, noticing that my pants are getting baggier, that my leather jacket is fitting better and that my poor old knees are hurting less.

I'm going for it this time, thinking about what I want, keeping that goal in mind. It is a constant struggle, trying to achieve my goals.

I'm full of ideas, some good, some bad...

Hey we need a stimulus package for the country. Why don't we get into the coffee business? We could seek out all those organic fair trade coffee cooperatives and purchase bulk coffee from them and then roast it and sell it and make lots of money. We could put people in this country to work, constracting buildings to roast the coffee in, people to work producing coffee roasters, we could put people to work fixing the highways to the roasters, people to work driving trucks bringing the beans, people to work packaging the coffee. It would be win win deal.

I've been getting pretty thread bare lately and my coffee consumption has changed. I am now brewing a pot and cooking a real breakfast/brunch/lunch after my first shift at work. I will likely drink another cup of coffee this morning. I went to trader joes and purchased 1/2 & 1/2 and thought the price was cheap. It was, I didn't discover until I got home, opened the container and realized it was not the usual organic.

I also purchased Tofu to go along with my potatoes and whatever else. Yeah, have you ever noticed that all good meat dishes have some kind of vegetable as a compliment? Well, I don't have the meat, just all the compliments, or at least those that I can afford. I'm going to have a great meal, mmm. Got to get back to it.