I never feel like I can move into a more permanent understanding of my thinking process. Is that what I want to or meant to say? I question myself more now than in the past. I rarely questioned myself in the past, hurt lots of people and never gave it much thought and now that I am older, keep going back to that past and trying to make it go away for my bad actions, because there is no fixing what I did, but the almost daily thoughts of Damn!
I wrote this before today, that is the first paragraph. I have been learning to accept the things I can not change more and more recently. The day as the afternoon has progressed has turned brighter, however, the moisture of autumn is in the air. Who, knows what affliction to my thinking that I have. I went to a high priced high IQ psychologist who gave me a battery of tests and I gave them my history of banging my head, right in the executive branch of my brain. They told me, brain damage is accumulative. I have not hit my head out of fear of hurting myself beyond repair. All that hitting came out of my own insecurities and punishment for transgressions that I did out of frustration growing up. Since my father beat me with switches for my behaviors that were contrary to what I had been told or unsupported by adults and my own frustrations for not understanding and being told my questions were better answered if I paid attention on the first place.
I have to now think more closely about I write, because I want it to accurately portray how I am feeling and isn't that often what we want others to see in us, better understanding of who we are and how feel? I am done here.
