Wednesday, January 1, 2014

I am surprisingly tired and I didn't do anything to warrant it!

I am drowsy, having driven up into the Columbia River Gorge this afternoon, getting out to take various photo's. I am listening to the listener picks from one of the local commercial radio stations, thinking about what I am going to get for dinner. I am changing my eating habits as my 1 and only New Years resolution. Change the way I eat and everything else will change appropriately along the way.

On the news on TV which is on mute, San Antonio Texas, Porta Potties catch fire! Big news story of 2014.

Maybe I am down realizing I will be going back to work in several days. I was so relaxed not working for over a week. Wow, and now I guess I am gearing up for the coming next rush of working. 12 weeks of work until Spring Break. Ugh! Of course we will have various days off along the way. 47 working days until a week off in March. Then we go another 2.5 months until summer break. All of this will likely go more quickly than I like. As I age, will be 64 this year, Yikes! Got to find someone who will still love me at that age. That's not really a high priority. Not a likely to happen though since I am not well to do. It is only well to do men it seems that get partners at my age. I think they must have a lot of bank accounts. I don't back so those don't count as assets for me.

I'm wandering. I will have to start walking more. The TV news says it makes a big difference and I know from the past it is true. I am just so used to doing nothing. A family tradition, sitting still reading or what I am doing, playing on the computer. Tomorrow I will not drive anywhere, but walk to destinations. Actually, I don't like to drive around that much since I am still driving a school bus during the school year. Driving my car around town is not as safe as driving my bus. Got to go now, maybe a nap. The other thing I am going to try and do is come here and write more. Not just this crap either. Something real, such as in my other blog which contains it seems better content.

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

My life is a balancing act

There is a person I want to contact and the shadow of proper is hanging over my head telling me it would be improper for me to use a business phone number for a personal contact.

My own values may not be the same as the societal values and hence the conflict. I know all of us must consider the societal values because they are standards we can all agree are there for each and every one of us, almost.

I have to look at what I am intending. I am intending to ask this person if they would like to meet for a cup of tea or something similar, because I am curious about this person. I also know my limitations and whether this person would consider it inappropriate and I don't want t make a bad impression.

You would have to read my other blog to know what that means to me. I am not going into it here.

So, as I have found in the past, putting down my thoughts and feelings to words that I can read seems to relieve some of the pressure I feel. I just need to learn patience and wait until I see this person in person. There is time. Yet sometimes time seems to play tricks on me. My needs, my desires, my wants are not all the same and they don't always align with what I expect society has in mind.

Take a breath, do something else, time will pass quickly enough and I will be able to compose my thoughts and express them in person.      

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Family Traits

I inherited my mothers sensitivities. But instead of being angry at myself for being so sensitive, I had to learn first to not be sensitive and I did that with alcohol and other drugs. Did it that way for about 24 years. I did take some drugs in that period of time that showed me my sensitivities were a gift, but I didn't recognize the gift I was given. I continued long past healthy to try and quash my over sensitivity.

I failed, I was a wailing dolt and then the frustrations I stuffed became anger. I was an angry drunk and I was out of control. I was out of control for about 15 years and somehow survived that anger, the alcohol and the other drugs I put into my body. Finally, I started to have moments of clarity where I could see that my use of intoxicants was coming to an end. My addiction was hanging on and I couldn't quite kick it. It had been at the time, more than twice the age I started with.

Both of my parents had drinking problems as did I and my two sisters likely. They were able to let it go sooner than I did I think. We all share the sensitivities our mom had. And tonight, I am feeling them largely. I am having strong emotions and instead of trying to get rid of them, I just let them be what they are, a gift. I've had the gift for a long time and will probably have it till the day I die. I now realize the gift for what it is. It is a gift my parents gave me to help me get through with my moments.

As I listen to the water drip off the roof, the moments slow down and I can hear the beating of my heart. I am forever linked to my family by what I inherited from them, from those who came before them. I am grateful that I have lived to understand and accept my family traditions.

I have made an error in and not thought about my actions!

yes it is true, a mistake that only I will have to pay for. I bought a chocolate bar and while sampling it, ate the whole thing! Yes, between 8 and 9 pm. Not good, oh the chocolate was excellant. The eating at this late hour, not good. It was laden in caffeine and I will likely suffer consequences. Those will be a bit of insomnia and I can't really afford that, now can I.

Wait! No work tomorrow, just a little meeting at a decent hour. I will be able to read a little and then go to sleep. I have a method for getting to sleep and it works every time!