Saturday, November 10, 2012

Changed this post to more ramblings.....and the continuing Chaos.

I used to just write whatever I was thinking, still do sometimes. Then some said why do you write that way and I had to look it up. I have to look up almost everything many times. It took me 30 years to figure out the keys to learning the difference between using the waxing and the waning moon. Waxing means it is getting bigger, like applying wax to your table, you increase the shine and protection, putting it on. Waning is the opposite and therefore it is getting smaller, dimmer, less shiny. It took me 30 years to figure that out. It took me into my 60's to know the kind of writing I do. I didn't learn the types of writing in the writing classes I took back in the 1990's. Of course, I just wrote, read a couple fo books and wrote. The 40 year old in classes with very young people. I am attempting to use html language again to post this link to wikipedia. Let's see if it works.
 Stream_of_consciousness_(narrative_mode)< /a> 

Well, it didn't work and I could get all hung up on trying to make it right, but my link will get you to wikipedia and then you can enter stream of consciousness into the search field. With this partial entry, it is almost a reflection of how I think, which is what I have been struggling with all my life. I struggle with my thinking because it is partially complete and I am left with a lot of dead ends, like incomplete sentences. When I don't think about what I am writing, which was my initial writing technique I have a lot of incomplete or run on sentences. It is tapping into my process. It is why I took touch typing so many years ago, because I couldn't write fast enough to get all my thoughts out. Driven by frustration and desperation, I took typing so that I could write more effectively for myself. Sometimes it seems to me or has seemed to me in the past that if I can just purge myself of all these transient thoughts I could think more clearly. That is not what turned out to be the case. Now, I feel less motivated to write, but have to do what most writers do, take breaks. I read once and it kind pissed me off that good writers will compose the whole book in their head, organize it and then write it. Pissed me off, because I very little ability to gather my thoughts and put them in order. Sometimes I tell people the inside of my van which if more often than not unorganized, a pigs stye sans the mud is a direct reflection of the inside of my brain.

Also, jumping from one topic to another, a symptom of my disjointed thinking. The chaos and confusion is a reoccurring theme in my writing because it has played a main part in my inabilities to communicate effectively throughout my life.

Here's how it is with me. I'm 62 years old and when I was growing up my thinking was damaged. I dont' know when it was damaged, perhaps in the forming of my brain, something went arye When adults tried to fit me into their way of thinking and I couldn't do it, I would say I can't do it. Then they would say sure you can, just apply yourself, I would try again and fail and say I can't do it. Can't do it was my growing up mantra. By refusing to further attempt to perform whatever task they requested of me, I was put in the trouble maker box. He can't do it because he choses not to attempt it. The thing is, I couldn't do it because I couldn't visualize or imagine it! Their inability to see my frustration and road blocks was either a system wide failure such as funding or training or whatever agenda the school system operated under at the time.

My ability to conceptualize is almost non existant. Today, I am attempting to reconstruct my bed frame, one that I designed and built in place at the North Portland residence initially, deconstructed it and transported it to SE and have attempted to reassemble it. I marked all the pieces and of course, marked them over markings from initial assembly. Good God, no wonder I struggled so with it, but that is not  all, I just struggled with it. I did take it with a sense of oh well, before I got to upset with my own inabilities. I took it into my room to finish it and found part of my problem was left outside because of uneven ground. I was using shims, but a more level surface helped me finish my task.

My struggles, because I process how I think it should go, but when I execute, something goes wrong and I don't pay as close attention as I should and it doesn't go together right!  I remember similar times when working on various car projects, taking something apart and not getting the whole picture and putting it back together wrong and then having to do it again and again, until at some point the switch goes off in my head and Oh, now I see! All this takes a heavy toll on my confidence! I don't have the confidence that others have and am hesitant to jump into a large project on my own. This is important to me because I am considering and planning a large project.  Probably the largest project of my life other than going back to school and earning my aviation maintenance licenses! That was a project I could attempt because it was already set up, structured in a community college setting.  That was a huge undertaking for me, going back to school and it started shortly after I got cleaned up. I have issues around school from the past, but those melted away, but not at first. With my aviation licenses I really wanted them. I wasn't apparently going to let anything stand in my way. When I was in my second year, my truck was stolen and I got on the bicycle and started riding to school being about 3 miles away and work about 4 miles. I was going to school and working like so many of my peers and at 48 years old. See how I got distracted by that and wandered off. That happens all the time.

It is similar today and although I have been able to identify my behavior challenges, I still practice the wrong ones. When I worked on the line on airplanes others could see some of my challenges and gave me jobs that didn't require to much visualization.

But what I am talking about here. What indeed, ramblings. I got back here after reading about Neil Young's latest Album a 2 CD set in the Rolling Stone #1169. The title is Fuzz and Fury on Planet Neil. In the article Neil says he writes songs "to make sense of my inner rage." This simple statement struck a chord with me. My inner anger is deep seated and as I stated before somewhere, may have actually published it here. I have always had an affinity for Neil and will probably purchase something of this latest two albums since they were done with his often used band Crazy Horse. I am wrapping this up because I can always add, but I must move it along. I have several drafts that I keep getting distracted away from and the words keep coming. I need to do tasks in the real world with one of my pals.