Saturday, February 25, 2012

The life I lead, I'm not complaining, just saying...

I lead a life living on the edge. What is this edge I am saying? Edge of sanity, edge of reality, edge of what is real, edge of poverty and the list goes on. The difference today is I am making better choices than I did in the past. Something else that influences my life the feeling there is more to life than our visual world. And, I am more grateful having survived my abuses from the past. I am doing a lot of reflecting about my chaotic life. I am still bouncing off the walls because of my ADD. I keep thinking maybe I could improve with medication, but don't want to let the medical people experiment with my well being again on that level, nor do I want to be dependent on medication. I am already dependent on pharmaceuticals that are keeping my blood from clotting and some for other medical issues. I don't like it, but if I want to survive another how many years, have to knuckle down and take them.

I continue to be at risk when I am not doing something that has some structure to it like work or meetings with others that are running things. Left to myself I am continuing to not be able to grasp getting organized. Of course, there is a certain level of fear at changing my chaotic ways. There is a fear of success and a fear of failure. The big picture though is there is more to life than my own little world of chaos. My own own little world though has a strong influence on what I accomplish. It is a constant mental battle with me. Conflicted has been circulating recently in my brain. I am a conflicted person because why? Why do I and why do I continue on this path of conflict? Often we do what is comfortable but not necessarily productive. I learned about that in 12 step programs, but my ability to change my behavior is still after all this time inhibited by my lack of structure.

I am my own worst enemy, even though I have continued to make progress moving forward. Right now I am writing about some thoughts that I've been thinking about for the last several weeks and it is about stalling, distraction. I have learned behaviors and they do have an influence on me. Apparently, all my behaviors are learned. And I have unlearned many that are likely more beneficial than some of the ones I've retained. My thoughts are breaking down, no structure and it is hard others to imagine. It is hard for me to imagine or organize into a cohesive, informative, readable short piece about my very existence! Others have shown me they care about balancing the rights of the many with the rights of the few. Maybe because of that imbalance I feel less than those that are close to the decades I have spent on this planet? Obviously, I never learned or accepted what my teachers were trying to tell me when I was much younger. I can't imagine other than boredom what I would be like if I wasn't so challenged by all my distractions. It is not boredom that moves me through life.

I was thinking that I would to come back to this website and chronicle my feelings about myself and others I encounter more regularly, much like I used to do at other web addresses, but my desire to complete tasks in real time seems to interfer with my desire to write anywhere. Change, it is a struggle for me. I guess this is the real message of my unorganized ramblings. Change is difficult and I am feeling overwhelmed by my serious medical condition and the fact that I am going to be thrust further into an unstructured recovery from my operation that is coming in March or April. Let me out of here!

I will report that I tried to preview this page but Firefox is having trouble finding the server and giving me that message, so I will just go on to publishing it with the orange button

I'm preparing for my first ever operation....

Wow, an operation where doctors of several skills get together to initiate actions that will bring a change in my physical condition, hopefully to reverse an injury I inflicted by accident on myself. I'm talking about my right knee injury.

On December 30th I slipped on a set of stairs where I live and literally tore the tendon connecting my quadricep muscle from my knee. The pain was incredibly intense and almost beyond enduring, but I had to pick myself up and get to the urgent care. I might have been better off going to the hospital emergency because if I had, they could have taken me to the MRI machine and determined the severity of my injury, without me having to wait and slip through the cracks of modern health care providers until Feb. of 2012.I finally had the MRI on the 5th of Feb. and the health care providers could see the extent of the damage done. When they told me it took someone else explaining it for the severity to sink into my perception of reality.

I'm preparing to have the tendon reattached to the bone, I think it is the Tibia and they will have to put me out through modern chemistry and knock me out.  To me this is a scary proposition. It is scary because I haven't ever had surgery except to have an arm muscle stitched back together when I was 21 or 22. That was a long time ago, when I was younger and more foolish. What is really going to be difficult is not being able to get around well for about 6 weeks! I am going to have to rely on others to help me out. This is very difficult. The whole thing, the operation and the recuperation are about giving up control of ones own life. I am doing my best to prepare myself for this operation near the end of March.

This is probably all I can write about because, I am really distracted and have many tasks and actions that I have to attend to, many that are not related to my general condition that I just wrote about.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

To Much Information (TMI)

Wow, today I have been trying to post pictures here and went to one of the sights that was suggested to do that and came back with nothing. Spent about 45 minutes there editing photo's I had uploaded. It adds to my chaos when I try to organize anything. I don't have a plan to organize because my brain is not programmed for some of these tasks.

I'm frustrated by the distractions that continue to take me off track. If someone mapped my path it would look like the path that a child makes on a blank piece of paper, a scribble, a birds nest, a tangle. That is my path of going about tasks, even ones I make a serious attempt to go about logically or with a straight line.

In addition, I get bored. Boredom was not even a consideration in the most recent past. When I think about boredom now it comes along with frustration. One or the other happens first, but I can' tell which it is. It is somewhat boring to think about. And then when my thinking runs into the wall, frustration.

Many have had ideas in the past and the present about what I should do to make my life work better for me. That happens when others can see my frustration. My observation of having someone tell me what they think I should do is it is hard for each of us to put on someone else shoes.

I am very resistant. I resist most suggestions first without even taking the suggestion in and considering it. If you ask me to take an action or try something you think might be good for me, I respond with a negative such as No! This has been my defense mechanism in the past and is now a conditioned reflex. It is interfering with my current life today. I writing this so that when you read it, you will know to go beyond my first reactive response that is negative. I am writing this in the attempt to change the way I think by making myself aware of how I perceive ideas by others.

This is all again to much information and scattered from the start of this writing. It is my life long struggle to sort myself out, to get rid of all distraction that I experience. And becoming a better person is high on my list. It is all becoming really scattered now, losing all that I started with. At first my energy for this was like dropping a big rock into a body of still water, seeing all the ripples expand outwards, the energy from that rock as it pushed against the water, displacing it. But as the rock was pulled  to the bottom of the pond, it came to rest there and settled on the bottom of the pond, it's energy no longer giving it motion. The ripples on the pond's surface became less pronounced and eventually were absorbed by the body of the water. The water waits for the next event, reflecting all around it.

Does any of what I just wrote make sense to me? Hard to say, it is a way for me to help move me along to the next drop, the next moment.