Tuesday, December 31, 2013

My life is a balancing act

There is a person I want to contact and the shadow of proper is hanging over my head telling me it would be improper for me to use a business phone number for a personal contact.

My own values may not be the same as the societal values and hence the conflict. I know all of us must consider the societal values because they are standards we can all agree are there for each and every one of us, almost.

I have to look at what I am intending. I am intending to ask this person if they would like to meet for a cup of tea or something similar, because I am curious about this person. I also know my limitations and whether this person would consider it inappropriate and I don't want t make a bad impression.

You would have to read my other blog to know what that means to me. I am not going into it here.

So, as I have found in the past, putting down my thoughts and feelings to words that I can read seems to relieve some of the pressure I feel. I just need to learn patience and wait until I see this person in person. There is time. Yet sometimes time seems to play tricks on me. My needs, my desires, my wants are not all the same and they don't always align with what I expect society has in mind.

Take a breath, do something else, time will pass quickly enough and I will be able to compose my thoughts and express them in person.      

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Family Traits

I inherited my mothers sensitivities. But instead of being angry at myself for being so sensitive, I had to learn first to not be sensitive and I did that with alcohol and other drugs. Did it that way for about 24 years. I did take some drugs in that period of time that showed me my sensitivities were a gift, but I didn't recognize the gift I was given. I continued long past healthy to try and quash my over sensitivity.

I failed, I was a wailing dolt and then the frustrations I stuffed became anger. I was an angry drunk and I was out of control. I was out of control for about 15 years and somehow survived that anger, the alcohol and the other drugs I put into my body. Finally, I started to have moments of clarity where I could see that my use of intoxicants was coming to an end. My addiction was hanging on and I couldn't quite kick it. It had been at the time, more than twice the age I started with.

Both of my parents had drinking problems as did I and my two sisters likely. They were able to let it go sooner than I did I think. We all share the sensitivities our mom had. And tonight, I am feeling them largely. I am having strong emotions and instead of trying to get rid of them, I just let them be what they are, a gift. I've had the gift for a long time and will probably have it till the day I die. I now realize the gift for what it is. It is a gift my parents gave me to help me get through with my moments.

As I listen to the water drip off the roof, the moments slow down and I can hear the beating of my heart. I am forever linked to my family by what I inherited from them, from those who came before them. I am grateful that I have lived to understand and accept my family traditions.

I have made an error in and not thought about my actions!

yes it is true, a mistake that only I will have to pay for. I bought a chocolate bar and while sampling it, ate the whole thing! Yes, between 8 and 9 pm. Not good, oh the chocolate was excellant. The eating at this late hour, not good. It was laden in caffeine and I will likely suffer consequences. Those will be a bit of insomnia and I can't really afford that, now can I.

Wait! No work tomorrow, just a little meeting at a decent hour. I will be able to read a little and then go to sleep. I have a method for getting to sleep and it works every time!

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Living as a child, I looked up to adults, because I was short and they were taller. Not only that, but my parents lead me to believe adults had the authority to know what was right and what was wrong. That I should listen to them because they had a heck of a lot more experiences and especially teachers had college educations and were worldly and knew a lot more than I!

My insanity started long ago and I wasn't insane until I started school.  I wasn't insane at first, they conditioned me into insanity. The education system has no room for those who think differently and I was one of those. I am still one of those and finally I had a moment of clarity or several along the way and made some changes. I continue to make changes.  One of the biggest was don't take anything, that stopped my downhill roller coaster ride to self destruction!

The disdain for myself came from years in the public school system  where I was marginalized by administrators, staff, educators and my peers. They would tell me over and over that  feelings I expressed were imaginary, that I made them up all without investigating to see if they were in fact real! And they were real. But because I was told that my own nature was impossible, that sent me into despair and desolation, self rejection and self punishment. I was cast into a the a pool of confusion and chaos. I was being made into a crazy person because no one could figure out what kind of sanity I was operating in.

The people who were supposed to be helping me were making me insane.They told me I was behaving badly, that I was doing so on purpose and in spite of them, that I was a hateful child. They said things like "if you don't straighten up, you will end up in jail for crimes against society. And that is what happened! Because they told me who I would become, I became that person because adults at the time were the authority and they knew what was right and what was wrong. I must be wrong, they said so. When I became wrong on purpose, it was to shut them out. I did a good job of it, but in doing so, I also deprived myself of growing up and had to do that when there were some interventions. They stopped my roller coaster ride to self destruction.

A psychologist once told me she was surprised I was not in prison with an extended sentence. I avoided that at all costs, although I was arrested and went to trial many times, there were almost always some circumstances that weighed in on my cases. Thank goodness I didn't kill anyone. Notice how I said not kill anyone? That is  because I used to hurt others and myself. I certainly hurt myself the most. I stunted my emerging from childhood, from adolescents and into adulthood by a couple of decades! It has taken a long time to slow down  my self  abusive nature. I am still struggling with it. I have still been on a downhill ride with sugar and food that is not good for me, probably the basis of my whole makeup! I am not making huge changes, just little adjustments, 2 steps forward, 1 step back kind of exercises.
I did lots of one or two, or 3 day jail stays. One time I ended up in a straightjacket in a rubber room on a 5150. That was when I was 22. That was 41 years ago. I vowed never to be put into that kind of situation again, ever!

I have to keep putting my age in front of my face to believe that I am 63 going on 25. It is hard to imagine, but I am getting the picture. My inner adolescent tells me things, and inner child is there too. And I am sad that I spent so much of my younger life insane with frustration, pain and anger. Explosive anger that almost always got me in jail, even landed in jail when I was maybe 45 or so. The police were real nice about it, they kept telling me I didn't have to go if I did or said something, except my stubborn streak came in and it wouldn't let me do what they said to keep me from going. I don't think I even listened or if I did, I didn't consider all the options.  I have struggled with everything since I went to public schools. I would have faired no better if I had gone to private schools. I probably would have been on a slow burn there too, except they would likely have kept me longer to keep the money rolling in from my parents. There was a point my father wanted to send me away to military academy! That would have changed everything or made it turn over much faster. It is what it is. I am who I am from the forming I received in my earlier life. It is at the core of my process, but change is also taking place and I am grateful for the ability to look into changing.

I resist change as much as anyone. There is a difference though it seems to me. Some of us recognize that change is inevitable and we must help ourselves along this path toward the ultimate change of our spirit leaving our bodies.

Mourning the passing of my cat Jerky

Not much to write here. Lots of thoughts, missing my cat. Lot's of death in the last 1 1/2 years as my sister MFC pointed out when we spoke today.

Going to pal around with a friend and Shut up and Eat! SE Gladstone and SE Cesar Chavez. 

Got to go, go, go! Am

PM Took a hot tub at a place I was checking out 7 years ago, before I even moved here. Thing is, never went there for one reason or another. Sometimes it takes an event that is devastating to our emotions to make a course correction. I have been making some minor course corrections.  Putting Jerky down, caused an intense pain and although I was expecting it, the momentary suddenness of the event yesterday took me off guard. Here and not here, my little fluffy ball of full is now a cold lifeless body. Something we are become eventually. Our spirit goes out when our life ends. I am surprised her spirit hasn't come to visit. We were together for 10 years. I never punished her, she had me under her paws. I was slave to her, willingly, sometimes I wished I wasn't, but knowing that day would come eventually and then loving her. Loved her.

Part of the discussion I had with the vet was I wouldn't do this to my mom, felt my own mortality, wouldn't want anyone to put a needle in me and take my live. We are survivors, fighters as was Jerky. Jerky was a survivor. She had survived whatever it was that she lived in before she moved to CA. She survived the woman who gave her up, who was to young to have developed feelings for her cat that I found for her cat. She survived her ailing health. She was beginning to suffer and I couldn't let her suffer her failing body, her failing bodily functions. I couldn't let her and so gave my permission for the vet to inject her with first the powerful sedative, which I think actually slowed her down so much, that just a drop of the other powerful drug, stopped her heart. I was holding her when she stopped breathing. I new even before the vet listened for her heart. I knew and still know the pain of losing her. That pain is probably compounded by my guilt for taking Busters life, by my own mothers death in April. My own mortality and what is my purpose? What have I accomplished? It doesn't seem like much now. Will it seem like much later, not likely. I won't be being so hard on myself. I won't be as grief stricken as I feel now. I wouldn't dare write this on Face Book, I am not so secure in feeling about writing it here, but wtf. I really don't care. I haven't seen my work associated with anything. It is just writing.

it is what I have been doing to sort out my feelings when I get really down. Down. Tomorrow I will straighten up and take care of getting rid of some of Jerky's other things. I already took her food and water bowls out. Next her cat little boxes and the big red carpet that kept her from totally ruining the wood floor in this small space. I have another carpet that is smaller I will install.

And then Monday, back to work. Back to the job that wants us to believe everything is as it was before we left for TG break. Not the same. We'll see how it goes. We are going to have some weather this winter, I think it will snow a bunch, even in the valley. It will certainly snow up in the West Hills. I did last year, the year before and the year before that. It snows up there even when it doesn't snow down here. That is enough for this. I published time originally was 11:45 am about 24 hours after I took my sick cat to the vet. Took me 24 hours to write something about my feelings more than the shallow entry  put on FaceBook, to let my friends know. 

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Always a challenge to follow through on ideas

Each time I think of a plan of action it goes by the wayside. It is not uncommon to compare this feeling of not being able to follow through with 2 steps forward, 1 step back. A common trait of being human and interacting with all the thoughts flowing through each and every one of us to some degree or another. I was coming here to work on my latest incarnation of a book I am supposed to be writing, but decided to work on it off line in my word program. Decisions with me are at best impulsive, making my job as a school bus driver easier than if I had no impulsivity like some. Trying to get my assets lined up and using them is more difficult than I had imagined.

I am learning a lot about patience and working towards goals, something that impulsive people get frustrated with, at least this one does. So with that small entry, adios' and until we meet again. :)

Saturday, February 16, 2013

I started a new blog, the abyss

I started another blog, the abyss. It is my second jump into the deepest and darkest of thoughts and expressions. I will, I hope to, I can't remember, I don't hear to well, I hear to much but it is all without the filters others have.

I can't was my early mantra because I would get so frustrated with all the inputs into my brain that I couldn't function even with the simplest of actions. Then I would say, "I can't!" People used to say things like of course you can, now try. They didn't know, I couldn't tell them and even if I did tell them, they weren't hearing what I said.

I continue to relive moments from my past because that is the way my brain works. My brain throws out memory bites of the past and that part of my recollection is as though it were a moment ago. On another note, I don't recollect what I read, what I watched, what you said, what I said. It is the way I am and I have been living with this way for at least 58 of my 63 years of age. I am trying to navigate around it because my condition causes me to blurt out inappropriate expressions from my past, appear not to be paying attention, distractions. I am bored here writing about this because I write about it over and over. I don't seem to make much head way with writing it down and moving on.

I'm planning on going to the gym tomorrow. I am starting slow and working into a routine. I have to go at actions slowly, work into them or I get fearful or bored or self conscious. Part of my on going issues are low self esteem from all the abuse I got as a kid mostly from my dad, from gym class and the punks who used to beat me up there. That is my old gym fear. And the coaches.

Now the gym is a completely personal experience. It is something I am doing for myself, to feel better and I do. I get the endorphins and they add to my confidence, my self esteem. Ah, you say, you are 63 and you should be over that. Those are all things we grow out of. I think there are people who don't grow out of a lot of things that happened in their past. We can replace the bad feelings with better feelings and those better feelings will shine over the old feelings and that is how we survive.