Saturday, February 16, 2013

I started a new blog, the abyss

I started another blog, the abyss. It is my second jump into the deepest and darkest of thoughts and expressions. I will, I hope to, I can't remember, I don't hear to well, I hear to much but it is all without the filters others have.

I can't was my early mantra because I would get so frustrated with all the inputs into my brain that I couldn't function even with the simplest of actions. Then I would say, "I can't!" People used to say things like of course you can, now try. They didn't know, I couldn't tell them and even if I did tell them, they weren't hearing what I said.

I continue to relive moments from my past because that is the way my brain works. My brain throws out memory bites of the past and that part of my recollection is as though it were a moment ago. On another note, I don't recollect what I read, what I watched, what you said, what I said. It is the way I am and I have been living with this way for at least 58 of my 63 years of age. I am trying to navigate around it because my condition causes me to blurt out inappropriate expressions from my past, appear not to be paying attention, distractions. I am bored here writing about this because I write about it over and over. I don't seem to make much head way with writing it down and moving on.

I'm planning on going to the gym tomorrow. I am starting slow and working into a routine. I have to go at actions slowly, work into them or I get fearful or bored or self conscious. Part of my on going issues are low self esteem from all the abuse I got as a kid mostly from my dad, from gym class and the punks who used to beat me up there. That is my old gym fear. And the coaches.

Now the gym is a completely personal experience. It is something I am doing for myself, to feel better and I do. I get the endorphins and they add to my confidence, my self esteem. Ah, you say, you are 63 and you should be over that. Those are all things we grow out of. I think there are people who don't grow out of a lot of things that happened in their past. We can replace the bad feelings with better feelings and those better feelings will shine over the old feelings and that is how we survive.

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