Sunday, December 29, 2013

Family Traits

I inherited my mothers sensitivities. But instead of being angry at myself for being so sensitive, I had to learn first to not be sensitive and I did that with alcohol and other drugs. Did it that way for about 24 years. I did take some drugs in that period of time that showed me my sensitivities were a gift, but I didn't recognize the gift I was given. I continued long past healthy to try and quash my over sensitivity.

I failed, I was a wailing dolt and then the frustrations I stuffed became anger. I was an angry drunk and I was out of control. I was out of control for about 15 years and somehow survived that anger, the alcohol and the other drugs I put into my body. Finally, I started to have moments of clarity where I could see that my use of intoxicants was coming to an end. My addiction was hanging on and I couldn't quite kick it. It had been at the time, more than twice the age I started with.

Both of my parents had drinking problems as did I and my two sisters likely. They were able to let it go sooner than I did I think. We all share the sensitivities our mom had. And tonight, I am feeling them largely. I am having strong emotions and instead of trying to get rid of them, I just let them be what they are, a gift. I've had the gift for a long time and will probably have it till the day I die. I now realize the gift for what it is. It is a gift my parents gave me to help me get through with my moments.

As I listen to the water drip off the roof, the moments slow down and I can hear the beating of my heart. I am forever linked to my family by what I inherited from them, from those who came before them. I am grateful that I have lived to understand and accept my family traditions.

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