New chapter in the midst of the Covid-19 May, 2020

10/13/2020

Well, I am house sitting for couple of nights and time almost up. I have a dental appointment tomorrow early and then get my new lenses to glasses. I have to get my shit out of the house before I leave for dentist I think in AM and then return to visit, find out when my friends coming back in afternoon. To short of a stay for all the prep I need when staying at someones house, from my living situation in the truck. This is all to personal to post on FaceBook. when I post on Facebook, I open myself up to opinions from friends that I am not looking for. I am more about journalling and trying to figure out how to move forward on my thoughts etc. For instance what spurred me on to write this little detail is I was crossing my legs, left over right and my left knew, shit the pain. I have already decided to pull out the knee braces I have been using for years. I had already looked for new ones that I could use to replace the tired ones about 2 months ago. They don't carry what I am looking for anymore. Looks like Amazon will be my answer. Amazon,. the online answer to Walmart. Amazon is the on line store we love to hate if we are for fairness and certainly someone is not operating on that principle. It is just the way it is in this capitalist system. It is not fair and either we can stay angry about it, move out of the country or try to change it from within or with out. 

I was really struggling finding the right buttons to use to update, publish and revert to draft. I get worried that my thoughts transcribed to here which have no real value at all will get lost if I hit the wrong button. Am I that unfamiliar with this page that I have to first get frustrated and finally figure it out? I guess so. Then it was in the wrong place, somewhere in the middle and I finally figured that out and moved it, of course, here it is in the beginning because it is the most recent entry. 

Saturday May 23, 2020

I am watching, listening to the Robbie Robertson interview on you tube in 2016 , talking about his life, his magic, how he got into music, playing the guitar, living in Canada, Living in Arkansas, back to Canada, Ronnie Hawkins, how he got into the band, Levon Helm, Bob Dylan. It is Bob Dylans 79th birthday today. Robbie is talking about writing his Biography. I am listening so it may have an influence on my own writing. I think about, the focus that I never had. I just have to write it from my best recollections.The interviewer brings standing Rock to the interview and Robbie his answers, his focus, his pace, his rhythm is so measured.  Six nations is near where he lived and what he learned from his cousins.  

Book stuff. I can do it from my head. It brings tears to my heart, why who, what can I do? How can I tell my story and who would be interested. From my heart, from my heart, from my heart, how I have thought from my heart. 

When and where I was growing up people rarely validated my feelings.  I think my parents may have not thoroughly understood me for sure from the start, I was so different. I was happy, happy kid, and they just thought what they thought. I was different in many ways, I was brought up with feelings that when I tried explaining them people never seemed to actively listen to me when I spoke about how I felt. From an early age, when I would tell someone, my stomach is upset, why was my stomach upset, anxiety. I had anxiety about going new places, a feeling. Boys, we weren’t supposed to have  feelings. I was based in feelings, but I wasn’t supposed to have them. I was a boy. I was supposed to be different according to what I had later found out. 

We are each our own persons. Some of us figure it out sooner than some others of us. I didn’t figure it out for many years, at least until I got cleaned up from my drug abuses, woman abuses and other abuses, I can remember some pretty crazy things. I will talk about them when the time comes, another chapter in the continuing recollections from this aging retiree. 

In elementary school in Los Altos CA I was labeled right away as a trouble maker. I was almost ok until about 3rd grade one day at lunch. I remember lunch there at Portola Elementary School. The cafeteria with their steam tables and the nice ladies that cooked the food and the tables with benches. I worked in the kitchen cleaning up but don't remember much about how I got the job or when it ended or why. I was a boy I was distracted, probably had ADHD, letters after my name, that no one knew about in those days.   It is important to recollect these things since I don't generally make any note of them in my daily life, but they did contribute to shaping the person I became, The Who I am now. I didn't capitalize them. 

So, in third grade I remember being after lunch and on the grass out by the ball diamond and there was my teacher I suppose out there and we were sitting in the grass. I said something about having an upset tummy and she said I was imagining it. Nothing else or perhaps, stop making things up, you just ate lunch, wait for it to settle. I don't recollect what it was making my stomach upset, perhaps something I ate, but no validation or consolation. Just as I perceived it, this cold response. Maybe my stomach was upset by the way I got treated by adults and some children in school. Why was I sitting alone near the teacher and other kids were playing? I would not be playing if my stomach was badly upset, I would be sitting or was I being punished for something? My troubles started around then as I recollect asking a lot of questions in class and being told to listen because apparently they thought I wasn't listening or didn't instruct me how to actively listen. They must have thought everyone knew how to actively listen because a majority of the kids seemed to be listing, therefore, I was just trying to make trouble. 

I remember riding the bus to Portola School. The school was sold long ago, maybe 30-40 years ago and there are some kind of housing there as I recollect from a previous trip down memmory lane.  I remember they were Crown buses and I used to catch it at the street that Bob Crane lived on Langston ST. real close to Los Altos Ave. 

I remember, going to the bus stop and it was raining sometimes, the driver looked like my grandfather. He wore the same kind of khaki trousers and the same kind of long shirt as I recollect my grandfather wearing.  

more updates, 

I am celebrating Bob Dylans 79th birthday today, SATURDAY the 23rd of May. By listening to and watching U tube videos of Robbie Robertson and the last Waltz and I remember someone asking me if I was going at some point, though I was in Santa Cruz County at the time. I didn't;t go and missed a great event, It was a thanksgiving dinner and concert at Winterland a place I don't recollect ever going to except in a distant fog of a my memory. 

May 24, 2020

All my entries are sometimes not all of them but I have to have dates, perhaps places listed, from the parking lot at  SE Cesar Chavez Rachelle and Jim's who seem to be  hell bent on me moving to Arkansas. Although 1/2 my age, they seem to be my bestest friends. That's a hard one. Perhaps it is because we just sort of keep in touch and I am included a lot when their parents come. Rachelles mom, Jeanie helped me move last June. I couldn't believe it. I am forever grateful to her. She was a school teacher and she was visiting helping with Jim and Rachelle's new baby and took the time to help schlep boxes etc. She is my age. we are from a different time period. 

I just had to watch a video on using hinges because I was trying to mount a couple of strap hinges on my rustic cabinet doors and they wouldn't work without being mortised. I seemed to have forgot about that. Cheap apartments I once worked in hung doors without mortising the hinges and I almost always looked at that and whined.  Now the screws are to long, so1/2 round molding is required for the screws to die into. I will glue the moulding on there.

I am not publishing any of this until I get it all squared away or at least it seems to me to flow and then come to a reasonable stop somewhere up the road. When the wheels stop turning, the vehicle will still pursue the future. I think that is the end and it is. One more thing, it is June 6 in the evening and I am done with this piece.