Haven't had the energy to write here, been other places, yet...

I need to report today that I had to have my sweet dog Buster put down. It stabs me in the heart to think about it, when I second guess my decision. I know it was right at the time, but still it will continue to hurt, his absence. He was a short dog with a big, big heart! He helped me change who I am, had a significant influence on who I am as a person, helped me become a better person, gentler. He was a rescue dog, been rescued from a bad situation and when he and I first met, we both knew we were a match. He was my best friend and I let him be a dog. He only knew happiness when I cared for him. Today, the spark left his eyes. We walked this morning, but he looked at me with pain in his eyes. I probably knew then, but was not going to admit it to myself. I had called the vet earlier in the week, to see if there was something else we could do, if there was something we could find, something to cure. I decided in the vets office then, after talking with the vet and she seemed to think I knew what was best. Best for Buster. I don't know. I can't say what is the best thing. The pain meds weren't working and there was not much else to do. I don't know if he had cancer or a brain tumor, but I had done all I could do to extend his life with quality for awhile. One has to decide. I feel great Sadness, it is coming and going and coming back again. this will take time, time to let my heart heal, hope that he is in a better place, with his brothers and sisters and all the others who have come before him. It is still sinking in, that he will only be a memory or a photo or a feeling in my heart that feels cold and lost.....