Saturday, August 13, 2011

I am working on my book but all of my distractions are.....

I have been working on my book since I decided to write one 2004. I am a little superstitious about talking about it or excepts from it, but I have to share something about it, because I contend with a high level of distractions every day and I think they come out more because of old behavior patterns that were instilled in me in the past. I have a self destruction gene or programing that rears it's head especially when I try and organize my thoughts or accomplish something important. Many of my old feelings surface, low self esteem, which translates into very negative thoughts from the past.

I have been trying to live my life now for about 11 years with the knowledge that I have forms of ADD and perhaps TBI. These are serious challenges that have kept me from leading a more normal life, yet are not readily detectable by others except when I act out in a negative way. I have been reading some books on ADD/ADHD by a couple of authors and a little on stroke, but have been writing journals etc. for a long long time to deal with my frustrations on functioning in a world that emphasizes individuals yet when someone such as me comes along fails often to reach us, to seek what it is that makes our individualism and fails to help us with our assets. What society has always done with me is tried to change me to fit into preexisting categories which requires changes to my make up that doesn't allow me to pursue my own assets with my own abilities. I don't know if this makes any sense. It is my way of attempting to clear my thoughts so I can get back into my own manuscript.

It seems I have spent my life trying to find my path and my path keeps coming back over and over, starting over and over. My path has to do with communication and truth, integrity and honor. I have taken the long way around to come to this conclusion often blinded by frustration and anger because there has been few people who were willing to listen to words that I use to attempt to describe who I am what I am about. Writing is a way to get the words out, to calm myself, because we all need to find our focus, our center, our peace. It is becoming more and more apparent that I need to continue on my path of pursuing my writing, my book. I'm encouraged by some books I've read that are small and have less than 200 pages because thinking of a book presents a library in my brain of all kinds of large impossible books that tend to daunt me into inactivity. The struggles I have, they are not the greatest or most painful struggles in the world, there are people with greater struggles, more pain, yet we each have a story. I am alive because of many factors. I tell newer friends I have checkered past because I have done many things that I am not proud of beyond the past 25 years. I have been making amends to myself and others this last 25 years and continue to struggle with how I feel, changing my patterns of behavior, doing what is right as opposed to self destructive life styles etc. At least now, I have had plenty of time to steer a different course, one that is not so self destructive, but it is still not the healthiest. I know what I need to do, but turning direction is hard to do with years of self doubt and shame etc. Details... I don't want to list things I've done. I want to get out of here and work on the piece. I came to clear my head and this is about as good as it get. Thanks to the universe for allowing my existence and pushing me to reach beyond my comfort zone.

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