Saturday, January 17, 2009

The first 59 years.....

That's right, on the 31st I will celebrate my 59th birthday.

When I look back at my life it is hard to pin down much of anything other than chaos and confusion. There has been a storm of cataclysmic proportions raging inside of me for a long time. On occasion I would get glimpses of clarity and calm but they would not last, my howling senses or non senses would always come back and overwhelm that small sense of sanity that I would feel.

This is part of the reason I named this new blog Moments, drip, drip drip....Moments are all I have. Only bits and pieces have I been able to string together of coherent thought.

Most of my driving force the last 50 years has been about anger and frustration which have consumed me, thrown me into the Abyss of chaos and confusion.

After last Friday the 9th of Jan. I finally feel like I am emerging from the storm and what has happened is hope. Hope has been creeping back into my life after being ripped away from me as a child. Since the 9th I have had long moments of clarity because the trigger mechanism of my survival has been disabled. It has to be the HOPE of a better future, the one I had 40 + years ago that was dashed by a series of events that devastated the country and my personal beliefs beyond my ability to step out and feel true peace.

I'm still trying to organize my thoughts and feelings about what has taken place with myself. I am working on all of it and am pursuing my dreams in the 3 dimensional world. I will post pictures soon. If this seems cryptic and hard to understand, it is okay. My whole life has been hard to understand, it has been a bad dream that seems like I am slowly coming out of. I am slow and am finally accepting some of my limitations and moving ahead with what I can accomplish. My focus has been relatively constant, which is a contradiction.

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