Saturday, January 16, 2010

My normal state of mind is bouncing off of everything

My thoughts are everywhere, confused as usual but I come out of it too. Currently, I am having a dilemna of feelings of affection towards a woman who is 600 miles away. Let me put it differently, I am projecting my feeling of affection towards a woman 600 mile away whom I can't possibly become involved with because I am here and she is there. We went of a couple of times before I moved away and I feel like we were heading for something. I have always been lost around my feelings. I was listening to the radio yesterday and someone was talking about those who worry about love and if it is the right one and those who fall in love easily. Now I don't know where I fit in. Everytime I try and communicate my feelings about this very illusive topic or with a woman the object? of my affections, I stumble, I'm sure it is about fear of rejection. A friend of. Even though B keeps saving what I am writing apparently not fast enough to keep me from erasing my paragraphs. I just wrote about my goal orientation and being only able to focus on one goal at a time. I have had instances in the past where I was distracted and completely lost track of my goal of the time. I have not been able to change much of this. I have had to adapt and adjust yet not to others standards apparently. I am learning at nearly 60 years old to listen to my own inner voice, yet, I still have this feeling that I can't define so I think it is affection wanting it and wanting to give it. Everybody that knows me knows that I am single. Many that meet me think it is odd that I am not with someone, not married, don't have woman friend, don't have a lot of friends, don't interact with some people because it is my choice. We get set in our ways. I am set in mine, yet almost always aware and attempting to change my own perceptions adapt and adjust. One more thing, different topic. When I get out of the bus my body memory has an impression of the motion of the bus and the then transfers that motion to the ground causing me to feeling like I am still bouncing up and down. It doesnt' happen when I ride the bus or train or when I drive my van, just drivng the bus. See bouncing is the topic, but took me the long way to get there.

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