Saturday, February 11, 2012

I like to write here and haven't been here for quite a while really until yesterday and the 9th of Jan. 2012.  I like this format, because it gives me a certain feeling of anonymity that I don't feel I have at Face Book. I don't want everybody to know what or how I am thinking. I tried that in the past and learned over time that trusting everyone is a mistake for me. If a person knows where to look they can find my page. Yet, with that,  I still feel a certain amount of privacy. Another reason to write here is I can save, sleep my computer and come back to it like I have been doing this afternoon gone into evening.

The limitations of my body seem to be catching up to the limitations of my mind. The last month of 2011 and the first month of 2012 have changed me rather suddenly or  that's how it feels. Actually, the changes have been happening over time, but I haven't been letting my mind acknowledge them.  I tell some people about my experiences and what I say seems like it is a little hard for them to understand. Of course, my ability to communicate has always been strained.  I have always been either misunderstood or misunderstood. Non-sense? Not to me. Only to those who can't imagine there are many ways of being, thinking, feeling. We limit ourselves by our habits, expectations and desires. 

Today was another day of strong feelings. Today I was understanding and accepting something about my chronological age. I was helping one of my friends on a plumbing task he was doing at home and together our ages add up. I was thinking none of us can escape the inevitability of the life cycle. He was telling me about his limitations, that he feels his mind leaning into dementia and I said I have been prepared for that my whole life because my particular challenge leaves me always feeling as though I am missing something. I have been lost most of my life, but also have noticed other changes.

The job went well. It is often a good thing to have a second opinion when one is doing a job that one is unfamiliar with. We balanced each other. We worked it out and got the job done to his  satisfaction.  If we had not met the challenge well enough, we would have had to call the plumber. That would have been costly. We handled it and then went to the grocery. We went to People's and Trader Joe's.

I have been ignoring or denying some of the changes that come, but I can't ignore or deny them anymore. I am accepting how I am changing and that change is the only constant and inevitable. It is adapting to the changes that are tough. Adapting and adjusting is what I am meant to do. Resisting this basic of needs seems to be a common action in this, our species.

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