Saturday, February 25, 2012

The life I lead, I'm not complaining, just saying...

I lead a life living on the edge. What is this edge I am saying? Edge of sanity, edge of reality, edge of what is real, edge of poverty and the list goes on. The difference today is I am making better choices than I did in the past. Something else that influences my life the feeling there is more to life than our visual world. And, I am more grateful having survived my abuses from the past. I am doing a lot of reflecting about my chaotic life. I am still bouncing off the walls because of my ADD. I keep thinking maybe I could improve with medication, but don't want to let the medical people experiment with my well being again on that level, nor do I want to be dependent on medication. I am already dependent on pharmaceuticals that are keeping my blood from clotting and some for other medical issues. I don't like it, but if I want to survive another how many years, have to knuckle down and take them.

I continue to be at risk when I am not doing something that has some structure to it like work or meetings with others that are running things. Left to myself I am continuing to not be able to grasp getting organized. Of course, there is a certain level of fear at changing my chaotic ways. There is a fear of success and a fear of failure. The big picture though is there is more to life than my own little world of chaos. My own own little world though has a strong influence on what I accomplish. It is a constant mental battle with me. Conflicted has been circulating recently in my brain. I am a conflicted person because why? Why do I and why do I continue on this path of conflict? Often we do what is comfortable but not necessarily productive. I learned about that in 12 step programs, but my ability to change my behavior is still after all this time inhibited by my lack of structure.

I am my own worst enemy, even though I have continued to make progress moving forward. Right now I am writing about some thoughts that I've been thinking about for the last several weeks and it is about stalling, distraction. I have learned behaviors and they do have an influence on me. Apparently, all my behaviors are learned. And I have unlearned many that are likely more beneficial than some of the ones I've retained. My thoughts are breaking down, no structure and it is hard others to imagine. It is hard for me to imagine or organize into a cohesive, informative, readable short piece about my very existence! Others have shown me they care about balancing the rights of the many with the rights of the few. Maybe because of that imbalance I feel less than those that are close to the decades I have spent on this planet? Obviously, I never learned or accepted what my teachers were trying to tell me when I was much younger. I can't imagine other than boredom what I would be like if I wasn't so challenged by all my distractions. It is not boredom that moves me through life.

I was thinking that I would to come back to this website and chronicle my feelings about myself and others I encounter more regularly, much like I used to do at other web addresses, but my desire to complete tasks in real time seems to interfer with my desire to write anywhere. Change, it is a struggle for me. I guess this is the real message of my unorganized ramblings. Change is difficult and I am feeling overwhelmed by my serious medical condition and the fact that I am going to be thrust further into an unstructured recovery from my operation that is coming in March or April. Let me out of here!

I will report that I tried to preview this page but Firefox is having trouble finding the server and giving me that message, so I will just go on to publishing it with the orange button

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