Wow, today I have been trying to post pictures here and went to one of the sights that was suggested to do that and came back with nothing. Spent about 45 minutes there editing photo's I had uploaded. It adds to my chaos when I try to organize anything. I don't have a plan to organize because my brain is not programmed for some of these tasks.
I'm frustrated by the distractions that continue to take me off track. If someone mapped my path it would look like the path that a child makes on a blank piece of paper, a scribble, a birds nest, a tangle. That is my path of going about tasks, even ones I make a serious attempt to go about logically or with a straight line.
In addition, I get bored. Boredom was not even a consideration in the most recent past. When I think about boredom now it comes along with frustration. One or the other happens first, but I can' tell which it is. It is somewhat boring to think about. And then when my thinking runs into the wall, frustration.
Many have had ideas in the past and the present about what I should do to make my life work better for me. That happens when others can see my frustration. My observation of having someone tell me what they think I should do is it is hard for each of us to put on someone else shoes.
I am very resistant. I resist most suggestions first without even taking the suggestion in and considering it. If you ask me to take an action or try something you think might be good for me, I respond with a negative such as No! This has been my defense mechanism in the past and is now a conditioned reflex. It is interfering with my current life today. I writing this so that when you read it, you will know to go beyond my first reactive response that is negative. I am writing this in the attempt to change the way I think by making myself aware of how I perceive ideas by others.
This is all again to much information and scattered from the start of this writing. It is my life long struggle to sort myself out, to get rid of all distraction that I experience. And becoming a better person is high on my list. It is all becoming really scattered now, losing all that I started with. At first my energy for this was like dropping a big rock into a body of still water, seeing all the ripples expand outwards, the energy from that rock as it pushed against the water, displacing it. But as the rock was pulled to the bottom of the pond, it came to rest there and settled on the bottom of the pond, it's energy no longer giving it motion. The ripples on the pond's surface became less pronounced and eventually were absorbed by the body of the water. The water waits for the next event, reflecting all around it.
Does any of what I just wrote make sense to me? Hard to say, it is a way for me to help move me along to the next drop, the next moment.