Sunday, January 25, 2009

I just got out of the bath because it barely helped me..

I don't know what just happened there, a couple of double strike keys and published unintentionally. I dragged it back here.

I'm grateful for my dog Buster. Without him I would have exploded beyond repair.

The reason I couldn't stay in the bath is because I discovered I am still angry beyond the edge of sanity.

It is the anger that I began feeling after being frustrated by my attempts to communicate when I was young, when people would ask me what was wrong and I couldn't put words together to explain what I felt and when I finally did respond to a question I was told by adults my feelings or thoughts were not valid. It is still there, my inability to organize my thoughts and I suspect because of my frustration I am still angry that I can't put 2 and 2 together and get 4. Actually, I'm pretty good with numbers did well in a program called SMSG when I was in about 5th grade. I don't know what happened after that. Learning was fun then, I got it.

To keep you from thinking I am going over the edge of sanity I will tell you that I have decided to organize my thoughts with IOU'S.

Identify Organize Understand and Simplify.

Everything that I do or think has to be listed under these words and not necessarily in that order, except that is the way I am remembering it. For about 2 weeks I have been thinking about IOU and the 2 good things that came from my bath are I am clean and the S.

My head is full of confusion and chaos all my waking hours, except on rare moments when I get some clarity. Clarity falls under Understand and Simplify.

I love to go to sleep because I rarely remember my dreams. I have them, but go to a place in my brain that I don't see or know. Only sometimes.

Ever since I was about 16 I have brought paper or a book or something to write on, am compelled to write because one I have a thought I can rarely recollect it. Some of my thoughts I just think that by writing them down, they will go away, stop adding to my confusion, but that thought is flawed.

Finally, the question of my posts being adult oriented. I just thought that might be fun to include, cause you to maybe expect something that is not necessarily going to be here. To me it was a joke. I'd rather have a button that said, children's content, click if you are young enough.

It is that child inside that has always been looking for some approval because my eyes see others as adults and my heart feels me as child.

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