Saturday, February 18, 2012

The contradictions and the feelings....

Feelings have always been an issue for me. When I was growing up and felt something from a stomach ache to hearing voices or whatever they were I was often told it couldn't be or you are making it up. When others say things that contradict what I feel, it is confusing. I am used to being confused. I am still trapped into going back to my past because of what I learned there or didn't learn along the way. For whatever ratio it is I am doing that 10 steps forward, 2 steps back. My dance feels like 2 steps forward 10 steps back.

I have been to shrinks and other head doctors who have analyzed me and tried to do many things including get me under control with drugs. Of course they don't say they are trying to control us, they say make us well. Sounds a little George Orwell and 1984. 
I can feel energy from others.  I can feel energy from all kinds of sources.  Because of this, I don't really like to go to large events by myself because I can't filter their energy out. I get bombarded with others energy and it overwhelms me. If I go to a large event such as a flea market or farmers market I do better with a friend. With a friend I seem to be able to filter out all the feelings I sense while attending.

What has been happening in the last several years is I have given myself permission to have feelings. They still confuse me, not so much because I am confused by them, but more because it is a conditioned response and predictable. I am used to being confused and what is throwing me is not being so confused and that in itself is throwing me into some chaos.

One of my fears is failure, another is fear of success. I was thinking about this because how do I determine success as opposed to failure? It is complicated. For instance, I have successfully quit leading a self destructive life style.

I am at another intersection where I am colliding with the past and the present. My ability to integrate my past into my present, but not be controlled by it is what it feels like right now. I finally feel like I am growing up, another step, where all my peers and even those younger than I have quite likely already grown up. It has been like I was often two or three different people.  It is bringing up very powerful feelings. I have known for a while that my strong feelings are an asset. My feelings are so strong that the barriers my body uses to keep them from being noticed sometimes don't work and others notice something about me, but what they notice is not known to me. Sometimes I will be in a grocery and get looks from people I pass, almost like there is gelatin surrounding my body and it collides with them giving them a small bump. Of course, there is no gelatin, so it must be an energy related field that surrounds us and they must be feeling it and not knowing what it is. Usually they look at me a second time. I am just describing how I feel. I don't really know what others are feeling.  I have other actions that need my attention. Perhaps I will continue this or perhaps this is the end and new entry would be a new beginning.

One of my biggest struggles is leaving the past behind. Parts of it keep popping up interfering with my present. This seems to be a recurring theme with me.

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